(no subject)

[vicarz]

I'm not just flirting, I mean it. Usually I scold myself for flirting, and wanting, because it's inappropriate based on relationship status. However, now I'm more concerned because I think it represents a failure to commit to...something.

I know it's normal to "not turn off" when you're in a relationship. In my case, I have always had some reason to not be in the relationship, and true to my criticism of others, rather than fixing the problems with my relationship or MYSELF, I hunker down and tough it out until there is a way to escape. As I mock others, I'm also the type to think of finding someone without the flaws that bother me without considering the likely different incompatibilities I'd find with someone...anyone else. It's a lesson I know, but intellectual knowledge vs. application...

But what about when it really is time to go, when the relationship shouldn't be saved? What problems are enough that YES, we'd be better apart?

The other day I referred to many of my friends, in circles where we have all dated each other, as a game of musical chairs with everyone getting married when the music stopped.

I flirt but I don't think I'm flirting. I'm not playing. I have intent, real wants and desires, though I know not to act on them (maybe it's good I don't drink much). It feels too real to be healthy, not a quick look over the back followed by a confidence-enhancing giggle, but a real temptation, guarded conversations, mounting tension, and huge internal struggles. It doesn't matter if the whole nonsense is just in my head and not reciprocated (always the most likely scenario) because I shouldn't be in that mindset in the first place. I'm tempted, and want to be. I'm either in a relationship or I'm not - and it's -not cool- to feel other ways. I know better.

I've always known better and I've always had problems. I feel like an alcoholic-identified person, saying "I'm a cheater. I'm not cheating, but I am a cheater." It's buried in my I'm a slut references.

Spoiled or dysfunctional - dated a lot of bi girls and have lots of poly friends, and there was always this still-looking component to our relationships because we could, sometimes did, hook up with other people together (and that's where I'm a slut but not poly - separate dates creeps me out unless the 3 of us are a thing). I never had a reason to stop looking - I love window shopping with my partner.

More lately I've started to question whether my constant sexualization of others is demeaning. More on that later.

Comments

[alumiere.livejournal.com]

Hugs. I wish I had answers for you. But I do want to point out that from my (admittedly odd) POV flirting, even with intent, isn't bad. Clearly you care enough about J not to act, and flirting is fun!

[djpsyche.livejournal.com]

I agree. Flirting is fun, so long as it is kept light. You're not "constantly sexualising" others unless you're talking to them as a body with no brain, which I know you don't do. Being found attractive is affirming. Nothing at all wrong with being a slut on the inside! :)

[kuanyin00.livejournal.com]

I flirt with most of my friends, esp the ones who flirt back. Most are in relationships.. Heck, even my softball teams thrive on sexual innuendo and chemistry. I find flirting to be an essential part of any friend dynamic and, no, I'm not doing the "lining women up" as far as lesbian stereotypes go.

J knows and loves you so she must understand this as an essential part of your character?

Xo!