A big bi post
May. 5th, 2014 08:55 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vicarzI wrote the following to Dan Savage after hearing another guy question whether with his rare non-emotional forays into mansex he was actually bisexual at all.
I read your column weekly and have nearly written in on the bi-male issue many times. I've enjoyed watching your opinion or writing on the matter change over time.
I am going to write more than less, and not be offended at your edits if you choose to quote anything I write. Being a vain little bitch, the full thing will go in my online presence so my friends can shower me with love and hate as the internet provides.
This week's column had a letter from JUICED a cock-loving bi male who parallels my bi-ness and thanks to you, I now know many bi-boys & men. You declared him bi, and that's great, but I have another reason from a ... god in gay years I think at 45 I'm a senior, so a senior bi-guy. Or as Cho said, a slut.
So my short input is this: I fought too fucking long to not identify as bi.
My longer answer is self indulgent.
I grew up a cowardly sissy with dreams of masculinity, the worst of both worlds. I was small, skinny, sensitive, and kinda socially stupid.
I was also a raging perv since at least the 3rd grade - not really acting on it, but looking at some of my activities and thought patterns, and not being abused, it just seemed I was wired more sex-oriented generally than my peers seemed to be. I used to wonder if I was really bisexual, or just a slut.
Sadly, I said homophobic things in my middle-school and high-school years. As a sissy, I was picked on and fought exceptionally hard to fit the stereotypes of masculinity and machismo endemic to the suburbs in the 80s. Being a coward, I didn't so much fight as try to fit in and fail miserably. It wasn't until late and post high-school, then the stereotypical college experiences, that I finally admitted my impulses to myself (and curiously kinky girlfriends) and years after that before I so much touched a boy.
I should note I was a social idiot, so a lot of being picked on was because I was a twit. I'm anti-bullying, and very anti-gay bullying, but I'm not saying every childhood trauma I felt or even most of them were unusual or gay related. however, the gay thing or the not-masculine-enough thing is huge.
Dan, it sounds absurd, but the first time I made out with a man I thought people were going to burst through the door, laugh that I actually did that, and beat me up. I couldn't believe somebody actually wanted to do this to / with me.
I'm not going to compare my experience or cowardice to gay men coming out in the 70s and 80s, but when I finally had the strength (or lack of stamina, argue what you will) to come out, it was after decades of confusion, pain, and fear. When I finally came out, I was typically the only person in my social circles who was "gay."
Oh and bi the fucking way, peeve here, it is so different to be a bi male compared to female. Sure we face some of the same pressures, and it's not my job to declare who has a right to feel or declare how and who they are, but the difference between hot-fake-bi girls (and the chastised but rarely assaulted real-bi-girls) and the "Fag - you either suck dick, or do not suck dick," assigned to men makes it a lopsided issue in cultures where the phobia is sprinkled with machismo.
Now the next years of fetish clubs, crossdressing, and clubland are fascinating to me but not any rarer than grinder or clubland for men, but like your letter-writer, my ratio was 70/30 if that, heavy bias on females (and I'm still highly bi-female oriented to this day - somehow it's always more comfortable with a lot less explaining). Here is my mid 40s, not giving a rat's ass, I do wonder if I "really am bi." When I wonder this I sort of gloss over my earlier identity and experience.
I also got over my anti-masculine rebellion, and while I can break out a mean swish on call, years of gym time have resulted in a lot of masculine traits to the degree I'm not likely to fear anyone. I actually fit most machismo standards, even as I reject them as unimportant.
So that is all to say - I have a better reason for a male to identify as bisexual: because unless things have changed completely in the US since the 80s, and unless you do not face as much self-doubt, discrimination, ridicule, and terror as a theoretical not-masculine-enough-hetero me did, you probably took way too much abuse to give up the bisexual identity now. I fought and struggled with my identity - and you know what? If I am straight, then I'm going to hold onto my bisexual identity because it cost too much not to wear the damn label now.
Also, politics, but you can fill that in.
José
I read your column weekly and have nearly written in on the bi-male issue many times. I've enjoyed watching your opinion or writing on the matter change over time.
I am going to write more than less, and not be offended at your edits if you choose to quote anything I write. Being a vain little bitch, the full thing will go in my online presence so my friends can shower me with love and hate as the internet provides.
This week's column had a letter from JUICED a cock-loving bi male who parallels my bi-ness and thanks to you, I now know many bi-boys & men. You declared him bi, and that's great, but I have another reason from a ... god in gay years I think at 45 I'm a senior, so a senior bi-guy. Or as Cho said, a slut.
So my short input is this: I fought too fucking long to not identify as bi.
My longer answer is self indulgent.
I grew up a cowardly sissy with dreams of masculinity, the worst of both worlds. I was small, skinny, sensitive, and kinda socially stupid.
I was also a raging perv since at least the 3rd grade - not really acting on it, but looking at some of my activities and thought patterns, and not being abused, it just seemed I was wired more sex-oriented generally than my peers seemed to be. I used to wonder if I was really bisexual, or just a slut.
Sadly, I said homophobic things in my middle-school and high-school years. As a sissy, I was picked on and fought exceptionally hard to fit the stereotypes of masculinity and machismo endemic to the suburbs in the 80s. Being a coward, I didn't so much fight as try to fit in and fail miserably. It wasn't until late and post high-school, then the stereotypical college experiences, that I finally admitted my impulses to myself (and curiously kinky girlfriends) and years after that before I so much touched a boy.
I should note I was a social idiot, so a lot of being picked on was because I was a twit. I'm anti-bullying, and very anti-gay bullying, but I'm not saying every childhood trauma I felt or even most of them were unusual or gay related. however, the gay thing or the not-masculine-enough thing is huge.
Dan, it sounds absurd, but the first time I made out with a man I thought people were going to burst through the door, laugh that I actually did that, and beat me up. I couldn't believe somebody actually wanted to do this to / with me.
I'm not going to compare my experience or cowardice to gay men coming out in the 70s and 80s, but when I finally had the strength (or lack of stamina, argue what you will) to come out, it was after decades of confusion, pain, and fear. When I finally came out, I was typically the only person in my social circles who was "gay."
Oh and bi the fucking way, peeve here, it is so different to be a bi male compared to female. Sure we face some of the same pressures, and it's not my job to declare who has a right to feel or declare how and who they are, but the difference between hot-fake-bi girls (and the chastised but rarely assaulted real-bi-girls) and the "Fag - you either suck dick, or do not suck dick," assigned to men makes it a lopsided issue in cultures where the phobia is sprinkled with machismo.
Now the next years of fetish clubs, crossdressing, and clubland are fascinating to me but not any rarer than grinder or clubland for men, but like your letter-writer, my ratio was 70/30 if that, heavy bias on females (and I'm still highly bi-female oriented to this day - somehow it's always more comfortable with a lot less explaining). Here is my mid 40s, not giving a rat's ass, I do wonder if I "really am bi." When I wonder this I sort of gloss over my earlier identity and experience.
I also got over my anti-masculine rebellion, and while I can break out a mean swish on call, years of gym time have resulted in a lot of masculine traits to the degree I'm not likely to fear anyone. I actually fit most machismo standards, even as I reject them as unimportant.
So that is all to say - I have a better reason for a male to identify as bisexual: because unless things have changed completely in the US since the 80s, and unless you do not face as much self-doubt, discrimination, ridicule, and terror as a theoretical not-masculine-enough-hetero me did, you probably took way too much abuse to give up the bisexual identity now. I fought and struggled with my identity - and you know what? If I am straight, then I'm going to hold onto my bisexual identity because it cost too much not to wear the damn label now.
Also, politics, but you can fill that in.
José
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Date: 2014-05-05 04:45 pm (UTC)As a fellow traveller (I came out around the same time as you I think), thanks!
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Date: 2014-05-05 05:25 pm (UTC)Wish I could reply that today though, yummy. I was so much crazier and stupider back then!
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Date: 2014-05-05 05:06 pm (UTC)