Ramble

[vicarz]

Mom just left. I took off Fri and Mon from work to spend time with my mom, who visited with her boyfriend. To my surprise, her boyfriend would not shut up. At first I'd try to politely listen to his long rambling stories, but it became obvious there was no point to them...the story about walking to the "crick" and how he used to go fly fishing, and the Amish kids use his trail now and they carry plastic lunchboxes, so it used to go over the hill there by where angler used to go...20, 30 minutes later there was still no direction. My conclusion was the man was lonely, and as he's dating my mom I'm no so much confused by the idea as "not my problem, dude." I started to shut him up and walk away, talk over him about something relevant to my mom, as I realized his rambling conversation hogging was rude even if misguided or needy.

My mom and I had a decent visit. She still does this thing where she buys random things that she thinks are bargains, then tries to gift them. I talked her into taking back the crystal champagne glasses, the bamboo plates...I kept the melted and re-solidified chocolate with fake brand-names and the big lots stickers still on them. If she wants to waste money to feel as if she's getting me something, cheap and disposable without guilt would be nice.

So she's gone and I'll be doing lots of laundry. It's stunning to me how much cleaning is needed with only 3 people in this space, and makes me think my never-cleaning lifestyle only makes sense as I live alone. It also makes me terrified of the funk that must live in my new house that had 6-10 people living in it, people who didn't care about the place, for years. If I wasn't already replacing all the plumbing...

But I'm needy and crazy. Having my mom visit, and escaping to spellbound where a ton of my friends were, really kind of drove that point home. That huge oddly horny feeling, reflecting on the relationships I had with many of the people there, knowing and guessing the sacrifices each had made for their wants vs. relationships, knowing and guessing at my choices - comparing the results...I can't quite put a finger on my computations but my conclusion was I'm still just a crazy needy little bitch. Whether we're talking sex or relationships, discipline or work, I'm still just a cycle of emotional need.

I'm a 45 year old man and not sure that's going to change. I suppose I have plenty of time and recognizing things is a good place to start. Not sure what's next. I don't know which needs are real of if any of it makes sense - is this choice less unhappy than that choice?

Oddly this links into tech - I'm hitting the point where I think I might feel more connected if I had the ability to reach out to people any time with any inane thought - fb on a cell phone makes people feel connected. Would it be good that I assuage my loneliness with fb checking, or is the discomfort of being out of contact for hours at a time actually good for me because it forces me to write actual emails, make calls, and set up plans to spend time with my friends? If I wasn't in pain would I ever leave the house?

I'm going to be grumpier soon - my friend has now passed all my records in the gym in a matter of about a year, and exceeded most of them. Worse, in following a challenge I have now got a new injury which has kicked me out of the gym. I hope to get better soon but there are no promises. If I'm sidelined from working out, the lack of endorphins and the angst of just being me without gym tricks and perceived glances will make me crazier (or more symptomatic).

I never fail to find myself fascinating.

Comments

[grymnir.livejournal.com]

It will change. At some point you will be 46 years old.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Well in theory.

[twirlingtulip.livejournal.com]

I am glad this post exists. I enjoyed reading it just now. I'm being sincere.

[alumiere.livejournal.com]

We're all just cycles of need emotional and otherwise.

I know you've seen a doc about your injuries, but have they considered a form of athlete eating disorder? Some athletes don't eat enough to really fuel their body properly either b/c they're trying to lose weight or not gain while they heal. So they wind up in a cycle of injuries which can get more frequent with age. I have two different online acquaintances just recently diagnosed & sent to certified nutritionist for better meal plans to help. One needs more calories overall, the other more balanced protein/fat and less fiber...

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I've got flub - probably eating enough to get by :) I've been trying to eat more to get stronger with the "I'll cut when I reach my goals" mentality, only not reaching my goals. I'm not that wacky on what I'm doing though

[alumiere.livejournal.com]

Ah, but you like the people I mentioned maybe (or were) mixing up weight and calories overall with what your body needs to keep and build muscle, repair tendons, etc. So it may be that your diet isn't working for you as well as you hope. Just something to consider with the number of injuries I notice you having.

[mai-neh.livejournal.com]

Diet is definitely important, but I suspect every athlete winds up in a cycle of injuries that get more frequent as they age. That's kinda how aging works. In addition to diet, you also have to pay more attention to stretching, and you have to start admitting to new limits on how far, fast, many, much. Healing takes longer as you age no matter what, the body just isn't as good at repairing itself as when it was younger.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Yup, diet can be an issue but I'm pretty on top of diet. I am getting old, and the gym tricks I do are substantial enough that people stare.

One thing I point out about athletic success vs. failure (really non-effort would be more accurate) is that some people say they would be athletic "if it weren't for the asthma, bone spur, back problems..." whereas every athlete I know overcomes injuries, deals and lives with breathing problems...etc. I don't know any natural athletes who are not compensating for something.