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Dec. 9th, 2011 07:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vicarzI leave stores that annoy me with xmas music. Really, any music. I had lunch with an old friend yesterday and the entire time in the restaurant we had to shout to hear each other over the pumped-in din. Can't order a coke anywhere without being hit with 6 lcd screens showing fox, cnn, espn, and a movie. Going to a movie means sitting through 30 minutes of commercials - can you pay higher than the usual $20 ticket price to not see more commercials? You wonder why netflix is big?
I'm grumpy - 24 oz of coffee "didn't work."
So, today's "thing" is that I work hard for my money. I used to have "hard" jobs, such as waiting tables or running a machine in a factory. Holy shit, the factory was easy. Physically demanding, pulled on problem solving skills and stamina, but what you had to do was dictated and you could be asleep, hung over, or dead and still get the work done. Waiting tables could be auto-pilot IF you have social skills and/or IF you don't mind being degraded and robbed by abusive strangers. I was a horrible waiter taking all the offenses personally.
Then I got a professional job, and had to write and analyze - but the work was still generally dictated and reviewed. I made the mistake of entering management, and instead of simply having to put out a product, I had to monitor the quality and production of others. Worse, I had to deal with the improper and personal agendas of the stupid or corrupt above me. The real mental change there was no longer just being "one of us," and commiserating about how "they suck." You had to take on the orders of others as if they were your own - or be a passive-aggressive shit yourself.
Oh...some days I wish I was lazy enough to be "one of them." It must be so nice not to take responsibility for your own failures, to suck affirmation from your friends because "my boss sucks." What a pillow that must be to rest in every day - not kicking yourself to produce the best you can, not monitoring your own efforts and working harder out of guilt - just coasting and whining. Sweet self-indulgent defense mechanisms. I wonder how good affirmation feels - that blanket of telling my friends that the person who checks that I'm doing what I'm paid to do is a fucktard.
When I started here it was an easy job - just review the case and issue a sanction, and justify that decision. All my work was reviewed, so the consequences of failure were meh.
An attorney? Holy shit - at least in this place, nobody is aware of my work product. Nobody knows my deadlines, the options I weigh, the arguments I made, or whether I overlooked key objections in a hearing. Nobody checks my references or has a clue about my quality of work. At least I'm not micro-managed, but I'm practically flying blind here. What if I suck - how would I know? I have tremendous freedom, but with that freedom
UNLIKE THE US OF A
comes accountability.
I may not get nailed right away, but if I screw up it's likely to come to light some day and have huge potential consequences. I might sleep in and nobody notices, but a month or three later I can't explain why my absence cost $300k. I'm paid more to determine when more research is needed, to formulate the arguments and counters, to monitor my own schedule, and to maintain my own quality of work.
It's these liabilities that I face on the other side of "freedom." The freedom must be worth it, but the money certainly isn't.
I'm grumpy - 24 oz of coffee "didn't work."
So, today's "thing" is that I work hard for my money. I used to have "hard" jobs, such as waiting tables or running a machine in a factory. Holy shit, the factory was easy. Physically demanding, pulled on problem solving skills and stamina, but what you had to do was dictated and you could be asleep, hung over, or dead and still get the work done. Waiting tables could be auto-pilot IF you have social skills and/or IF you don't mind being degraded and robbed by abusive strangers. I was a horrible waiter taking all the offenses personally.
Then I got a professional job, and had to write and analyze - but the work was still generally dictated and reviewed. I made the mistake of entering management, and instead of simply having to put out a product, I had to monitor the quality and production of others. Worse, I had to deal with the improper and personal agendas of the stupid or corrupt above me. The real mental change there was no longer just being "one of us," and commiserating about how "they suck." You had to take on the orders of others as if they were your own - or be a passive-aggressive shit yourself.
Oh...some days I wish I was lazy enough to be "one of them." It must be so nice not to take responsibility for your own failures, to suck affirmation from your friends because "my boss sucks." What a pillow that must be to rest in every day - not kicking yourself to produce the best you can, not monitoring your own efforts and working harder out of guilt - just coasting and whining. Sweet self-indulgent defense mechanisms. I wonder how good affirmation feels - that blanket of telling my friends that the person who checks that I'm doing what I'm paid to do is a fucktard.
When I started here it was an easy job - just review the case and issue a sanction, and justify that decision. All my work was reviewed, so the consequences of failure were meh.
An attorney? Holy shit - at least in this place, nobody is aware of my work product. Nobody knows my deadlines, the options I weigh, the arguments I made, or whether I overlooked key objections in a hearing. Nobody checks my references or has a clue about my quality of work. At least I'm not micro-managed, but I'm practically flying blind here. What if I suck - how would I know? I have tremendous freedom, but with that freedom
UNLIKE THE US OF A
comes accountability.
I may not get nailed right away, but if I screw up it's likely to come to light some day and have huge potential consequences. I might sleep in and nobody notices, but a month or three later I can't explain why my absence cost $300k. I'm paid more to determine when more research is needed, to formulate the arguments and counters, to monitor my own schedule, and to maintain my own quality of work.
It's these liabilities that I face on the other side of "freedom." The freedom must be worth it, but the money certainly isn't.
