Substituting one drug for another

[vicarz]

When times were really bad, I drank a lot. I didn't think I drank a lot until later. I knew I drank most every night, but it was only 1-4 drinks (usually on the low side). I knew drinking simply made me feel better - it turns off pain. It numbs, makes you feel less, makes the soothing rage closer than the dwelling pain. The introspection decreases. Mostly, it just releases endorphins and you just feel pleasure. or less pain.

I stopped drinking so much (snip). Since then, I've engaged on a veritable mission in the gym - to which the goals I'm not sure. I have been working out a lot, even for me. More often, less long. I'm researching working out far more. Working out helps me grow and makes me a better...better at what? Stronger for what? It turns off pain by masking it with more other pain. It releases endorphins. It's artificial.

This is artificial. Typing on LJ doesn't make me any less alone, or my words heard. I do learn things from here, but I think I let myself vent on this piece of crap too much when more dissatisfaction might yield more activity (that may or may not be healthy). I've typed for years - to what end? What friends did I make? Lovers? Insights gained? Does this help me grow or prevent growth? Does it matter? Aw fuck...

Comments

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Aw!? I love seeing you guys each week too. Obviously, as I keep shivering by :)

I like a song on the radio more than any cd/ipod because somewhere someone is also listening to it...

[virgogirl.livejournal.com]

:D

i LOVE the radio. not only that there are people listening also, but that there are real people talking to me in my house live! i love letterman for that reason too, it's so unifying.

the toher day NPR was doing its fundraising thing asd they were like "it's eerilie quiet here in the studio" (where they were taking the phone calls) and so i picked up my phone and called and heard my phone ringing on teh radio, which filled me with inordinate amounts of glee! THEN they even said my name and thanked me for my donation and stuff.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Wow, I would totally trip to hear my call ringing on NPR! If you ever listen to WPFW (jazz, racist black talk) you find yourself immersed in a tiny culture...it's so neat.

[virgogirl.livejournal.com]

kris and i affectionately refer to wpfw as the "kill whitey" station. lol