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Jan. 10th, 2006 10:50 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vicarzMy friend Kelowna.
I think I blame Kelowna with making me mentally and physically healthier, and hell...even better dating material. I made her cheap and perhaps a bit more understanding of how others perceive and think. Hiss.
I met Kel on-line, arguing. I thought she was a troll. One day on the dcfreaks board, she seemed to have something contrary to say about multiple posts of mine on multiple subjects, and I both called her out for what I saw as chasing me around the damn board...and threatened to rip her face off. I didn't mean it as a threat, but when I looked back at it I thought it sounded bad so I edited...but she had seen it. We "made up," and I think that was the start of our interactions.
She introduced herself in person in a club. This was about when I learned that the emotions on-line didn't translate to in-person interactions. We got along, she was interesting, and kinda hot. I had a mild maybe-interest in her until a friend took me to her house. The house was a boy-house, and was so messy that I lost any romantic-type interest (later I understood that the mess was a sticky roommate issue, but the die was cast).
I think the first time we hung out for real we went to Rock Bottom to eat. Somehow that mutated into a tradition of going out on Sundays. I'd pick her up from her apt in Crystal City, we'd eat out, go shopping, and watch a movie. It became a ritual, yet we never made plans. There wasn't a set time, there wasn't a guarantee that I'd see her any particular week, but each week we hung out. It was a bit of a transition for me - I was more of a formal plan person, but rather enjoyed the ambiguity. As I started law school, I was grateful to let her take direction. She chose where, what, and when - I didn't have to think. If something sounded awful I would "nay" it, but most of the time it was fun. Boxing class and she became welcome mental breaks from the rigors of studying.
We pissed each other off. I said some really bizarre things (her opinion), she said some really callous things (my opinion). I thought intentions trumped everything, she thought results were paramount. We argued to the point of shouting more than once, but realized over and over that the other generally meant well. We disagreed, but learned to see each other's side. She told me what she believed, with the intention of helping, and learned that I did the same. Not surprisingly, once we got past terminology and social etiquette, we found that our opinions were compatible - often highly similar. As we hung out more the opinions became more so.
I also leaned on Kel as a bit of a confidant. I asked her advice, often failing to take it but always receiving it and taking it into consideration. She rarely gave direction or specific advice, but always pointed my own thoughts out back to me - showing me inconsistencies she saw, describing other experiences that may relate to my situation. Over time, she shared more with me, and I really began to look forward to our talking time together. What we did was less important as the range of subjects we covered expanded.
I never heard a thing I said to her in confidence come back from another source - not once.
I cut into our time a lot with law school. Papers and exams would pre-empt some of our time, but by and large I had time for our Sundays, as did she while she took on more and more responsibilities. We made it through some tense times as each of faced various stressors - her quitting booze and cigarettes certainly had an impact. I find it hard to remember now that when I picked her up from her condo she'd be stubbing out a cigarette to get in the car.
One day she wanted to go on an unusual trip. We drove out into the hills, stopped by an abandoned pig-iron mill, picked up farmer's market jellies. Soon thereafter we wound up making our first hiking trip, near blair witch country. We planned poorly, and wound up making it to the car just as we were losing the ability to see our hands in front of our faces. I remember asking why she was scared, joking that if we met a bear she could run while it ate me. She said "You don't believe in the things I am scared of."
This quickly mutated into our tradition of hiking. At first it was all for her benefit - I liked the talking and found the trips to the woods novel, but not exerting. I was more athletic than she was, and she noted that she took inspiration from that. She asked me to push her, or pushed herself and complained if I just meandered. I started pushing, and as she got stronger it got to be more of a challenge. Eventually we hit the point where the hikes were challenging for both of us, and I could feel sore the next day. Around then we started dragging other people along, some strong and some not, but only the two of us appeared regularly on the trails.
I blame Kel with making me better dating material. For many moons I have just hooked up with people in clubs, gone home with some, and really not engaged in activities outside of the club scene, school, and gym. Hanging out with someone I wasn't fucking led to a new series of behaviors, talking, eating out, goofing off, hiking...things which if you had asked a few years ago I would have said I didn't enjoy. "Camping is what you do on vacation to remind yourself why you go to work every day. 'Gee, if I don't work I have to live like this.' " Now I love to plow through the woods, fast for exercise or slow for talking and looking at weird bugs. Movies, eating out, and shopping with friends all seem normal. I also absorbed a bit of her dating snobbery - why waste your time and whatnot.
So Kel's leaving. I'm going to miss her, but I'm not really admitting that my friend that I've hung out with for years is leaving. They have medical care, legal pot, gay marriage, and don't start wars. She insists that I visit her to hike in Canada, and notes they will let people with college degrees immigrate (gee I almost have 4 now). She can't fool me - I know it's too cold to hike. Canadians have long nails for tunneling underground...
She has said what she felt, shared her honest opinions - yelled when she thought it was appropriate. She's taken my abuse and returned it, understanding and showing both good intentions and results. She's been consistent and reliable. She's been slow to trust, making her trust more valued when it was earned over time. While I have learned her flaws, she has earned my respect. She does like I try to do - doing well with what she has to work with. She showed she cared about me - actions ringing volumes more than words.
She's been a good friend. She's not been a friend of the type I'm used to - we never committed to a thing, no promises, no kiss-kiss *hugz* talk. No BFF heart. We didn't discuss what good friends we were, or reflect much on how we interacted. She outlasted many friends who did.
I think I blame Kelowna with making me mentally and physically healthier, and hell...even better dating material. I made her cheap and perhaps a bit more understanding of how others perceive and think. Hiss.
I met Kel on-line, arguing. I thought she was a troll. One day on the dcfreaks board, she seemed to have something contrary to say about multiple posts of mine on multiple subjects, and I both called her out for what I saw as chasing me around the damn board...and threatened to rip her face off. I didn't mean it as a threat, but when I looked back at it I thought it sounded bad so I edited...but she had seen it. We "made up," and I think that was the start of our interactions.
She introduced herself in person in a club. This was about when I learned that the emotions on-line didn't translate to in-person interactions. We got along, she was interesting, and kinda hot. I had a mild maybe-interest in her until a friend took me to her house. The house was a boy-house, and was so messy that I lost any romantic-type interest (later I understood that the mess was a sticky roommate issue, but the die was cast).
I think the first time we hung out for real we went to Rock Bottom to eat. Somehow that mutated into a tradition of going out on Sundays. I'd pick her up from her apt in Crystal City, we'd eat out, go shopping, and watch a movie. It became a ritual, yet we never made plans. There wasn't a set time, there wasn't a guarantee that I'd see her any particular week, but each week we hung out. It was a bit of a transition for me - I was more of a formal plan person, but rather enjoyed the ambiguity. As I started law school, I was grateful to let her take direction. She chose where, what, and when - I didn't have to think. If something sounded awful I would "nay" it, but most of the time it was fun. Boxing class and she became welcome mental breaks from the rigors of studying.
We pissed each other off. I said some really bizarre things (her opinion), she said some really callous things (my opinion). I thought intentions trumped everything, she thought results were paramount. We argued to the point of shouting more than once, but realized over and over that the other generally meant well. We disagreed, but learned to see each other's side. She told me what she believed, with the intention of helping, and learned that I did the same. Not surprisingly, once we got past terminology and social etiquette, we found that our opinions were compatible - often highly similar. As we hung out more the opinions became more so.
I also leaned on Kel as a bit of a confidant. I asked her advice, often failing to take it but always receiving it and taking it into consideration. She rarely gave direction or specific advice, but always pointed my own thoughts out back to me - showing me inconsistencies she saw, describing other experiences that may relate to my situation. Over time, she shared more with me, and I really began to look forward to our talking time together. What we did was less important as the range of subjects we covered expanded.
I never heard a thing I said to her in confidence come back from another source - not once.
I cut into our time a lot with law school. Papers and exams would pre-empt some of our time, but by and large I had time for our Sundays, as did she while she took on more and more responsibilities. We made it through some tense times as each of faced various stressors - her quitting booze and cigarettes certainly had an impact. I find it hard to remember now that when I picked her up from her condo she'd be stubbing out a cigarette to get in the car.
One day she wanted to go on an unusual trip. We drove out into the hills, stopped by an abandoned pig-iron mill, picked up farmer's market jellies. Soon thereafter we wound up making our first hiking trip, near blair witch country. We planned poorly, and wound up making it to the car just as we were losing the ability to see our hands in front of our faces. I remember asking why she was scared, joking that if we met a bear she could run while it ate me. She said "You don't believe in the things I am scared of."
This quickly mutated into our tradition of hiking. At first it was all for her benefit - I liked the talking and found the trips to the woods novel, but not exerting. I was more athletic than she was, and she noted that she took inspiration from that. She asked me to push her, or pushed herself and complained if I just meandered. I started pushing, and as she got stronger it got to be more of a challenge. Eventually we hit the point where the hikes were challenging for both of us, and I could feel sore the next day. Around then we started dragging other people along, some strong and some not, but only the two of us appeared regularly on the trails.
I blame Kel with making me better dating material. For many moons I have just hooked up with people in clubs, gone home with some, and really not engaged in activities outside of the club scene, school, and gym. Hanging out with someone I wasn't fucking led to a new series of behaviors, talking, eating out, goofing off, hiking...things which if you had asked a few years ago I would have said I didn't enjoy. "Camping is what you do on vacation to remind yourself why you go to work every day. 'Gee, if I don't work I have to live like this.' " Now I love to plow through the woods, fast for exercise or slow for talking and looking at weird bugs. Movies, eating out, and shopping with friends all seem normal. I also absorbed a bit of her dating snobbery - why waste your time and whatnot.
So Kel's leaving. I'm going to miss her, but I'm not really admitting that my friend that I've hung out with for years is leaving. They have medical care, legal pot, gay marriage, and don't start wars. She insists that I visit her to hike in Canada, and notes they will let people with college degrees immigrate (gee I almost have 4 now). She can't fool me - I know it's too cold to hike. Canadians have long nails for tunneling underground...
She has said what she felt, shared her honest opinions - yelled when she thought it was appropriate. She's taken my abuse and returned it, understanding and showing both good intentions and results. She's been consistent and reliable. She's been slow to trust, making her trust more valued when it was earned over time. While I have learned her flaws, she has earned my respect. She does like I try to do - doing well with what she has to work with. She showed she cared about me - actions ringing volumes more than words.
She's been a good friend. She's not been a friend of the type I'm used to - we never committed to a thing, no promises, no kiss-kiss *hugz* talk. No BFF heart. We didn't discuss what good friends we were, or reflect much on how we interacted. She outlasted many friends who did.
