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Mar. 12th, 2003 08:57 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vicarzFor some reason the top of my friends view is in fact the bottom, and with a gray background (I use a black background for most everything). I guess it’s a LJ hiccup, but I’m not sure how long it will be before it goes away. It's been days.
LJ has made me realize how many people think their dreams are either important (and/or interesting). I don’t understand why anyone does, and I’m baffled by the numbers. It seems that those beliefs are normal. Then again, so is watching network TV. I used to pay attention to dreams, and the feeling that something behind me was about to attack…then I figured if in so many years nothing useful or painful has ever come out of those feelings and dreams that it was time to leave them behind since they serve no useful purpose.
Last night I went to a UMich Law mixer off 19th St.
Law school and my own conscious self-indulgent tripe follow:
I put on my best game face, forced myself to be social, smiled a lot, laughed at everyone’s jokes, and feigned interest at most everything. It was exhausting. I can socialize in the professional environment, but common sense reminds me that I am highly transparent so my acting is for naught. I also have very little stamina…a couple hours of schmoozing and I’m ready to flee. After a couple of hours of information gathering, learning little, I fled. My headache hit double-digits when I arrived home and hurled the coat across the room. I’m out of guiness.
I talked to a bunch of law school hopefuls, and graduates. About 25% the graduates seemed like gay males, but one of them mentioned he was married. Either my Gaydar is off, or this guy is about the least successful closet I’ve ever met. I heard him run on about how they had made the cover art of “The Review” look so much better than it used to only to have the new crew change it back to something drab…yeah sure he’s narrow. Perhaps the DuPont circle proximity was throwing me off…nah Rumors counteracts the gay-rays of the circle.
I feel weird talking to these other people about school. Most were young and quite rich or older and pursuing some insane long-term goal – good god most of them were blowing money to visit each campus. I can’t even fathom going to a school based on the campus ‘air.’ That they had the time and money to do this was a little bit annoying. I’m currently taking no vacation time so I’ll have days off available when law school starts in September.
Everyone else had similarly been rejected by the other elites, Harvard, Yale…but I was the only one who even considered such a ‘lowly’ school as GMU. Most were trying to decide between the schools that I had applied to, and haven’t heard from yet. It seems I was not the caliber of person in the room at all, even with 10 or more years experience more than each of them. I could feel self-conscious about it, but I also have to remind myself that those few times I was able to go to school w/o working I did much better. It’s hard not to be wrapped up in the practical issues of logistics and finance when they aren’t options.
There were a couple of hippies there, though for the most part this ‘casual’ reception was filled with suit wearing rich white folk. I got to meet a public defender from DC, who was leaving early to pick up her son. I asked her and a couple of other people how they were able to work for non-uber law firms after blowing a fortune on law school, and all had other means of income ie husbands. Minority representation was decent, but not exceptional. Considering how many schools I haven’t even heard from yet, I can’t help but think the only reason this crackhead school is considering me is because I’m Hispanic.
The scariest thing I heard was how much UMich differs in terms of job opportunities after graduation. UMich, according to UMich alumni, is an open door to anywhere you want to go. I’d be more skeptical if I hadn’t heard the same thing from everyone else I’ve spoken with. GMU is politely referred to as a good school, at its worst an experiment to see if a conservative law curriculum can be academically respectable at the same time. By contrast, I wonder how these liberal institutions turn out such vile moral trash!? I was also told “GMU is just fine if you want to practice in VA, but if you want to be able to get employment in any other part of the country they really aren’t a good choice.”
The scariest conversations were with a head of XXX law firm where the reception was held, and with an attorney for the SEC. Both said they wouldn’t hire a GMU graduate at all. The firm partner wasn’t so strongly worded, but the message was clear. The SEC guy said that perhaps if the economy recovers their pool will be of a different caliber and they would consider such applicants again in the future, but for the present time anything out side the top was not worth considering. Yeesh.
On the other hand my situation will not be the same as the typical law school graduate. I have over 8 years of government experience, practicing regulatory enforcement of EEO crap, and now representing the agency in defending its personnel actions against EEOC and MSPB appeals. I’m less of an unknown quantity than a recent graduate, and I think that you work experience quickly overshadows your academic life. Hope?
I’m almost certainly going to go to GMU because the only things I need sacrifice are my time and sanity. GMU is only 6-8k a year, vs 30k for any good law school. I can retain my salary by going to the school part time, and it’s 4 miles from my house. It’s hard to beat those logistics. I had a hard time even considering GWU, G’town, or the laughable American. All had location, particularly GWU, but for the cost…why stay at home and not just do GMU? Money money fucking money. Money now vs. money later, money 50 hours a week vs. money 80 hours a week. Money zealous lying corporate advocacy vs. money less moral compromises (always some).
I couldn’t help but scope the people a little – I’m looking at some decent looking people, all but one in good physical shape, and thinking these are exactly the types of people my mom would love me to date. I wouldn’t mind either, but I suspect we’re all from different planets. My favorite observation was that most everyone was almost pretty, but none were notably attractive. Pet theory: they looked good enough to get positive feedback for their achievements, but not good enough to get the unconditional moronic flattery that really attractive people get.
Why am I doing this again? How much do I make for how many hours of work a week? What are my goals? What will it take to achieve them? A digging thought presses though reminding me that all it really takes to make me happy is basic security, and a couple friends to sit around and bitch with. Sense I rarely maintain friends, having a career seems like an worthy diversion. I keep setting myself up to have spare time, but then doing little with that time. I keep killing myself in the gym to look good, for who? It’s like I’m constantly working towards something, but I have no idea what it is. That something is...a person, a group of people, that I never know. I'm in my fucking 30s for crying out loud - where is this life I think I'll ever have? I always want someone in my life, but it’s never anyone I actually know. Go-go dysfunctional cycles!
LJ has made me realize how many people think their dreams are either important (and/or interesting). I don’t understand why anyone does, and I’m baffled by the numbers. It seems that those beliefs are normal. Then again, so is watching network TV. I used to pay attention to dreams, and the feeling that something behind me was about to attack…then I figured if in so many years nothing useful or painful has ever come out of those feelings and dreams that it was time to leave them behind since they serve no useful purpose.
Last night I went to a UMich Law mixer off 19th St.
Law school and my own conscious self-indulgent tripe follow:
I put on my best game face, forced myself to be social, smiled a lot, laughed at everyone’s jokes, and feigned interest at most everything. It was exhausting. I can socialize in the professional environment, but common sense reminds me that I am highly transparent so my acting is for naught. I also have very little stamina…a couple hours of schmoozing and I’m ready to flee. After a couple of hours of information gathering, learning little, I fled. My headache hit double-digits when I arrived home and hurled the coat across the room. I’m out of guiness.
I talked to a bunch of law school hopefuls, and graduates. About 25% the graduates seemed like gay males, but one of them mentioned he was married. Either my Gaydar is off, or this guy is about the least successful closet I’ve ever met. I heard him run on about how they had made the cover art of “The Review” look so much better than it used to only to have the new crew change it back to something drab…yeah sure he’s narrow. Perhaps the DuPont circle proximity was throwing me off…nah Rumors counteracts the gay-rays of the circle.
I feel weird talking to these other people about school. Most were young and quite rich or older and pursuing some insane long-term goal – good god most of them were blowing money to visit each campus. I can’t even fathom going to a school based on the campus ‘air.’ That they had the time and money to do this was a little bit annoying. I’m currently taking no vacation time so I’ll have days off available when law school starts in September.
Everyone else had similarly been rejected by the other elites, Harvard, Yale…but I was the only one who even considered such a ‘lowly’ school as GMU. Most were trying to decide between the schools that I had applied to, and haven’t heard from yet. It seems I was not the caliber of person in the room at all, even with 10 or more years experience more than each of them. I could feel self-conscious about it, but I also have to remind myself that those few times I was able to go to school w/o working I did much better. It’s hard not to be wrapped up in the practical issues of logistics and finance when they aren’t options.
There were a couple of hippies there, though for the most part this ‘casual’ reception was filled with suit wearing rich white folk. I got to meet a public defender from DC, who was leaving early to pick up her son. I asked her and a couple of other people how they were able to work for non-uber law firms after blowing a fortune on law school, and all had other means of income ie husbands. Minority representation was decent, but not exceptional. Considering how many schools I haven’t even heard from yet, I can’t help but think the only reason this crackhead school is considering me is because I’m Hispanic.
The scariest thing I heard was how much UMich differs in terms of job opportunities after graduation. UMich, according to UMich alumni, is an open door to anywhere you want to go. I’d be more skeptical if I hadn’t heard the same thing from everyone else I’ve spoken with. GMU is politely referred to as a good school, at its worst an experiment to see if a conservative law curriculum can be academically respectable at the same time. By contrast, I wonder how these liberal institutions turn out such vile moral trash!? I was also told “GMU is just fine if you want to practice in VA, but if you want to be able to get employment in any other part of the country they really aren’t a good choice.”
The scariest conversations were with a head of XXX law firm where the reception was held, and with an attorney for the SEC. Both said they wouldn’t hire a GMU graduate at all. The firm partner wasn’t so strongly worded, but the message was clear. The SEC guy said that perhaps if the economy recovers their pool will be of a different caliber and they would consider such applicants again in the future, but for the present time anything out side the top was not worth considering. Yeesh.
On the other hand my situation will not be the same as the typical law school graduate. I have over 8 years of government experience, practicing regulatory enforcement of EEO crap, and now representing the agency in defending its personnel actions against EEOC and MSPB appeals. I’m less of an unknown quantity than a recent graduate, and I think that you work experience quickly overshadows your academic life. Hope?
I’m almost certainly going to go to GMU because the only things I need sacrifice are my time and sanity. GMU is only 6-8k a year, vs 30k for any good law school. I can retain my salary by going to the school part time, and it’s 4 miles from my house. It’s hard to beat those logistics. I had a hard time even considering GWU, G’town, or the laughable American. All had location, particularly GWU, but for the cost…why stay at home and not just do GMU? Money money fucking money. Money now vs. money later, money 50 hours a week vs. money 80 hours a week. Money zealous lying corporate advocacy vs. money less moral compromises (always some).
I couldn’t help but scope the people a little – I’m looking at some decent looking people, all but one in good physical shape, and thinking these are exactly the types of people my mom would love me to date. I wouldn’t mind either, but I suspect we’re all from different planets. My favorite observation was that most everyone was almost pretty, but none were notably attractive. Pet theory: they looked good enough to get positive feedback for their achievements, but not good enough to get the unconditional moronic flattery that really attractive people get.
Why am I doing this again? How much do I make for how many hours of work a week? What are my goals? What will it take to achieve them? A digging thought presses though reminding me that all it really takes to make me happy is basic security, and a couple friends to sit around and bitch with. Sense I rarely maintain friends, having a career seems like an worthy diversion. I keep setting myself up to have spare time, but then doing little with that time. I keep killing myself in the gym to look good, for who? It’s like I’m constantly working towards something, but I have no idea what it is. That something is...a person, a group of people, that I never know. I'm in my fucking 30s for crying out loud - where is this life I think I'll ever have? I always want someone in my life, but it’s never anyone I actually know. Go-go dysfunctional cycles!
