(no subject)

[vicarz]

I talked to my Dad for a while, telling him I looked up to him. He's dying of cancer. He's not hanging on to a thread of life from a hospital bed, he's working a job, digging in the garden, playing with Tivo, and living life. It's just that he recognizes that he's gone past his expected life expectancy, and is balancing options for continued life in a rational way. It's a gift - he knows about when he's going to die, and only has to choose the route. He's done some forms of chemotherapy, and found it's not as bad as people make it out to be (he even kept his hair). He's now looking at more aggressive types of chemo as the new scans show that growths are returning and growing. What is neat is that he is weighing the different treatments in terms of costs and benefits - this procedure is this kind of annoying, vs. extends life this much. Heavily considered is the quality of life. So, the treatment that would lead to the side-effect of full-body acne for months, only to extend life an estimated 6 mos to a year is out. Wearing a pump that continues to fill your body with radioactive goo after you leave the doctor's office, connected to a port that is placed in your body not unlike the Harkonen slaves ("everybody gets a heart plug,") will have to have a very serious benefit to outweigh the cost.

It's cool. He's not whining; despite cancer in many places he is in good spirits. He's completely realistic about dying, and is basically choosing when it will be. So I told him that his attitude is contagious - that with him just dealing with impending death the way I balance my budget made it easier to think about. I also said the way he deals with it is inspiring. Death is weird, but making decisions about it in a rational and calm fashion the way you do anything else brings it under control. Talking to him as he goes through this makes death more real, something you can see. It also makes it far less scary - it's just another thing you deal with during your life. There is no reason to make it a miserable subject or be full of dread. You do what you can, and eventually factors beyond your control dictate. He's lucky enough to know about when it will be.

Comments

[cobwellac.livejournal.com]

You wrote this very nicely; it also puts lots of small complaints into perspective for me and for others, I'm sure.

[djpsyche.livejournal.com]

Wow. I know I would never be able to handle such a thing as maturely. I'm very impressed.

[joanarkham.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear that but I'm so impressed with your dad that he's able to handle this with such dignity and grace.

[coronalrain.livejournal.com]

Sounds like your father is a very wise man. I wish you both the best of luck.

[telie13.livejournal.com]

i'm sorry. i might, um....can I say something that might not be too pc?

[one-andrea.livejournal.com]

I'm going through the same thing with my Grandma. She actually passed out on me Friday, so she really can't do all her day to day activities very well. I think when the quality of life goes, it is death anyways... She still has energy off and on, and I just hope that continues for some time. I am sad to see this happening, but I understand that there is nothing I can do, so I help and hang out with her when I can.

[mreraser.livejournal.com]

You're much stronger then I, this topic's kind of come up around my family encampment as of late. And it's not something I deal or will deal with appropriately, I'm sure. You and you father have my prayers and best wishes.

[pastor-saturn.livejournal.com]

May we all be as dignified about our time to go as your dad is. You and your family are in my thoughts.

[cweaselle.livejournal.com]

My step mom is going through the same thing. It's hard, but I think it's easier than dealing with it suddenly. I'm grateful for the time I spend with her, and try to do what I can to make her time nicer.

I'm sorry your dad is dying, but like you hinted, we all die and I'm glad that it gives you a chance to deal with it. I'm sure it will still be hard. Seeing my step mom going is making me realize that my grandparents aren't the only ones getting older.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Please! The less appropriate the better - you know me!

[kibean16.livejournal.com]

Incredible. I wish I was as levelheaded as you or your father about death - his or my own. I love my father an incredible amount, and I fear the day I will have to share in making decisions about his or my mother's passing. I'm in awe of you for being so strong.

-Kiki

[telie13.livejournal.com]

well i was just wondering if maybe he might be making less of a deal out of it so as not to burden you with it? just saying, he might want to talk about it but not wish to bother you, up to you what you would want to do about that though.

Hardly un-PC

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Our family has always insisted on independence, especially on his side where for generations they have been born to priviledge. So it is possible that he might subvert based on that...but I'm confident he's not. He's become very open in the last decade or so, and does not hide the good or the bad. It would be odd for him to treat this differently - even considering the potential gravity of the situation. We do have a bit of stiff-upper-lip mentality, but there are cues with that sort of thing, and none of those signs are here. Plus, we've talked about this for years...were it an act something would have slipped through by now.

There has been bad, make no mistake, but again the way he has handled it (and admitted it) remains how I want to deal with similar situations.

You make a good point, and I've thought about that myself, but not recently. This has been going on for years now - I just haven't shared this. I'm wary about talking about the situation at all because I fear a barrage of *hugz* (both being misplaced on me, and encouraging attention hounds to "work" crises for attention).

Re: Hardly un-PC

[telie13.livejournal.com]

Okay, just wanted to make sure, having been in a similar situation with Chris's stepfather and feeling like we should have talked about it more....

*hug* because is it scary and incredibly difficult to deal with the death of a parent, and i wish your family the best.

*hugz* just to irritate you....

[threnodyeris.livejournal.com]

I work every day just a little bit at accepting my own inevitable death. It is my greatest fear. My hope is to have the courage and grace that your father is showing when my time comes.
Much respect to him, and to you for your homage to him.