(no subject)
May. 22nd, 2005 12:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vicarzNon-binding Addendum to the Last Will and Testament of *me*
I am writing the following to attempt to clarify my wishes related to my Will. The following is for informational purposes only, and should be considered non-binding and with no legal force whatsoever. I am adding this to explain my wishes, but as I am writing my own Will I do not wish to take any action which may disrupt the orderly processing of the passing of my estate. This is being added with the sole purpose of allowing me to express my feelings, often with humor, on some matters which may not be expressed clearly without potentially disrupting the allocation of my estate.
It's a bloody shame that you can't write a document in plain English and feel confident it will have legal force. What we seek in clarity we lose by requiring legalese. Wouldn't the world be a better place if a Will could be funny too? In any case, the things conveyed in the Will are just that - things. Even the memory of my existence will fade in time, and I tend to think the memories are more important than items.
ARTICLE ONE: FAMILY:
A) I have no children that I know of, and if any exist I do not know about them and do not wish them to be beneficiaries to my estate. This may change by the time I die! If I happen to create children my god I hope I have them included in the will, or specifically excluded them depending on the circumstances. If I have children and my Will does not provide for or exclude them, I hope my Personal Representative can figure out what to do about them so no one gets unduly screwed.
ARTICLE TWO: DEFINITIONS
A) Terms: In this addendum I will use terms like hope, want, wish, and other wishy-washy non-legally-binding terms. I use these terms here only and they have no legal force. Any of my wishes that I considered important enough to have legal force have been carefully considered and put in my Will.
B) Expletives: I may use profanities in this addendum. I like using profanities.
C) Jokes: I may make jokes in this addendum. I like using jokes.
D) I am avoiding making jokes, comments, or using profanities in my Will for fear that they will cause confusion including but not limited to questions regarding my soundness of mind at the time I create my Will. I note the irony of the fact that my sanity at the time I acquire my estate is never called into question.
E) I am disappointed the words necrophiliacs and Klingon are not recognized by spell-check.
ARTICLE THREE: FUNERAL AND BURIAL ARRANGEMENTS
A) I am an organ donor. This body is well maintained, hell as of the writing of the Will I'm in damn good shape.
B) I do not give a hoot about what happens to my body after I die. I don't care if my body is shoved in a dumpster, displayed to family, or shown in a big event. I'd donate it to necrophiliacs were such activity legal. I leave it to the discretion of my Personal Representative to choose what is in the best interests of the living. I kinda like the idea of what I've heard called an Irish funeral, where everyone gets drunk as hell and celebrates the life of the deceased. Whatever works for you guys, even if that's the funeral scene from "My Own Private Idaho." Bob!
C) My mother has said I should shove her body in a dumpster when she dies, rather than waste the money on either cremation or burial. I like that sentiment, very Klingon of her. I like the idea of cremation because it makes little mess, of burial because my god at least there is about 3x6' of land with grass on it left on earth for a while, and of a dumpster for saving money that could go to the activities of the living rather than the wishes of the dead.
D) I always liked the idea of an epitaph that said "If you're going to screw in a graveyard, you might as well do it here," but I recognize how difficult such verbiage would make finding a place to be buried.
ARTICLE FOUR: DEBTS, TAXES, AND EXPENSES
A) Nothing special of note here, this is just a section to take care of crappy taxes and stuff. I do hope you can avoid paying too much in taxes to these nazi conservative yahoos in the State and Federal Government. No argument here - I'm dead and I used the term nazi!
ARTICLE FIVE: SPECIFIC BEQUESTS
A) Tangible Personal Property:
1. This is the really hard part for me. I hate to see things wasted, but don't want to add a bunch of provisions regarding items of my personal property. I have erred on the side of letting it all go to sale for my residual estate on purpose.
2. Memorabilia: Letters, pictures (many naked good god!) and the like may be meaningless or meaningful to different people and different points in time. I ask that any interested party consider requests for items or to view items. Uh, perhaps the pictures of naked people could go back to them or their kids. They might like the memories of the ability to go "Damn, yeah I did look like that!" "Wow, gramma was hot once - and slutty! Who knew!"
a. Also, a lot of my memories are in electronic form. I ask that this be shared in a similar fashion to my letters and photos.
b. I also ask that someone notify people on my electronic email lists, blog, LiveJournal, IM, and other electronic media of my passing.
3. Specific items: Following is a list of specific items I can think of that may have actual or sentimental value.
a. House! I mean I'm supposed to call this real property but I'm just not that good at law and don't care enough to look it up. Whatfuckingever. If someone really wants this then I would ask that the other members negotiate with them to see if they can have it or buy out the other's shares at current values or whatever. It would be funny to have some relative living near the city and being able to note that "Yes, this is the bedroom where countless felonies occurred..."
d. Victrola - The victrola in my bedroom is an antique or near-antique. Jill might want that because we bought it together in what I considered a happy period of our relationship. She might want it, or she might not want it. She might want it but her wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, or husband would scream.
e. Pinball Machine - 1980 Bally Xenon pinball machine. She coos. If some relative thinks it is cool and will preserve it, then they should get it. Otherwise sell it but don't let it go to waste.
4. Requests for items: While I've erred on the side of an orderly will, I do ask that all interested parties consider reasonable requests regarding my property. I have a cool victrola, maybe my mom or dad really wants it - that's fine. Whatever. The line of maybes is too long and annoying for me to probe through for a bunch of things people don't expect to get anyway. I have a lot of friends who may be interested in items from pictures to clothes, furniture to sex-toys. Please consider all requests and try to get the best mix of items possible to maximize everyone's interests. How's that for vague?
5. Most of my belongings are of no particular value. What, does Ikea repossess?
6. Account Information: (XremovedX)
ARTICLE SIX: RESIDUAL ESTATE
A) MY SISTER. This is a big problem area for me. I do not respect the choices she has made in her life, loathe her lazy fake-disabled joke of a husband, and fear her kids will learn her idiocy and be unworthy of money gifts. While I have worked hard to achieve financial and academic success, she dropped out of high school and lived off of welfare. I do not want my hard earned acquisitions to lift her out of her situation, rewarding her for her life of sloth.
1. I fear that my parents will continue their life-long mistake of throwing resources at my sister's problems despite all obvious lessons through her history that these actions only make her problems worse. Despite this fear, I am letting the money go to my parents with no conditions on them. I hope they respect my wishes and don't waste my hard work rewarding idiocy and laziness.
2. On the other hand, my sister's children should not be punished for her mistakes. Hell, even she might realize the err of her ways by now. I ask that both my parents respect my desire to monitor both her and her kids, and that any allocation to my sister's family be conditional upon work. For instance, paying for my niece's or nephew's college would be perfect. Buying some moron a pony farm would be reprehensible.
B) If no one is around from my immediate family or my sister's kids, then I would like my Personal Representative to try and locate successful people from my father's side of the family. I've met some of the (XremovedX) and they seem to have successful lives and would not waste gifts. On the other hand, they tend to be practicing catholics which makes me ill. I would err on the side of giving money to freaks in my extended family over those who already have money and are church trash.
C) I won't freak if my stuff goes to an organization that is remotely religious in it's mission, but I don't want to contribute to any spreading of religion or morons who choose not to give condoms to developing nations etc.
I am writing the following to attempt to clarify my wishes related to my Will. The following is for informational purposes only, and should be considered non-binding and with no legal force whatsoever. I am adding this to explain my wishes, but as I am writing my own Will I do not wish to take any action which may disrupt the orderly processing of the passing of my estate. This is being added with the sole purpose of allowing me to express my feelings, often with humor, on some matters which may not be expressed clearly without potentially disrupting the allocation of my estate.
It's a bloody shame that you can't write a document in plain English and feel confident it will have legal force. What we seek in clarity we lose by requiring legalese. Wouldn't the world be a better place if a Will could be funny too? In any case, the things conveyed in the Will are just that - things. Even the memory of my existence will fade in time, and I tend to think the memories are more important than items.
ARTICLE ONE: FAMILY:
A) I have no children that I know of, and if any exist I do not know about them and do not wish them to be beneficiaries to my estate. This may change by the time I die! If I happen to create children my god I hope I have them included in the will, or specifically excluded them depending on the circumstances. If I have children and my Will does not provide for or exclude them, I hope my Personal Representative can figure out what to do about them so no one gets unduly screwed.
ARTICLE TWO: DEFINITIONS
A) Terms: In this addendum I will use terms like hope, want, wish, and other wishy-washy non-legally-binding terms. I use these terms here only and they have no legal force. Any of my wishes that I considered important enough to have legal force have been carefully considered and put in my Will.
B) Expletives: I may use profanities in this addendum. I like using profanities.
C) Jokes: I may make jokes in this addendum. I like using jokes.
D) I am avoiding making jokes, comments, or using profanities in my Will for fear that they will cause confusion including but not limited to questions regarding my soundness of mind at the time I create my Will. I note the irony of the fact that my sanity at the time I acquire my estate is never called into question.
E) I am disappointed the words necrophiliacs and Klingon are not recognized by spell-check.
ARTICLE THREE: FUNERAL AND BURIAL ARRANGEMENTS
A) I am an organ donor. This body is well maintained, hell as of the writing of the Will I'm in damn good shape.
B) I do not give a hoot about what happens to my body after I die. I don't care if my body is shoved in a dumpster, displayed to family, or shown in a big event. I'd donate it to necrophiliacs were such activity legal. I leave it to the discretion of my Personal Representative to choose what is in the best interests of the living. I kinda like the idea of what I've heard called an Irish funeral, where everyone gets drunk as hell and celebrates the life of the deceased. Whatever works for you guys, even if that's the funeral scene from "My Own Private Idaho." Bob!
C) My mother has said I should shove her body in a dumpster when she dies, rather than waste the money on either cremation or burial. I like that sentiment, very Klingon of her. I like the idea of cremation because it makes little mess, of burial because my god at least there is about 3x6' of land with grass on it left on earth for a while, and of a dumpster for saving money that could go to the activities of the living rather than the wishes of the dead.
D) I always liked the idea of an epitaph that said "If you're going to screw in a graveyard, you might as well do it here," but I recognize how difficult such verbiage would make finding a place to be buried.
ARTICLE FOUR: DEBTS, TAXES, AND EXPENSES
A) Nothing special of note here, this is just a section to take care of crappy taxes and stuff. I do hope you can avoid paying too much in taxes to these nazi conservative yahoos in the State and Federal Government. No argument here - I'm dead and I used the term nazi!
ARTICLE FIVE: SPECIFIC BEQUESTS
A) Tangible Personal Property:
1. This is the really hard part for me. I hate to see things wasted, but don't want to add a bunch of provisions regarding items of my personal property. I have erred on the side of letting it all go to sale for my residual estate on purpose.
2. Memorabilia: Letters, pictures (many naked good god!) and the like may be meaningless or meaningful to different people and different points in time. I ask that any interested party consider requests for items or to view items. Uh, perhaps the pictures of naked people could go back to them or their kids. They might like the memories of the ability to go "Damn, yeah I did look like that!" "Wow, gramma was hot once - and slutty! Who knew!"
a. Also, a lot of my memories are in electronic form. I ask that this be shared in a similar fashion to my letters and photos.
b. I also ask that someone notify people on my electronic email lists, blog, LiveJournal, IM, and other electronic media of my passing.
3. Specific items: Following is a list of specific items I can think of that may have actual or sentimental value.
a. House! I mean I'm supposed to call this real property but I'm just not that good at law and don't care enough to look it up. Whatfuckingever. If someone really wants this then I would ask that the other members negotiate with them to see if they can have it or buy out the other's shares at current values or whatever. It would be funny to have some relative living near the city and being able to note that "Yes, this is the bedroom where countless felonies occurred..."
d. Victrola - The victrola in my bedroom is an antique or near-antique. Jill might want that because we bought it together in what I considered a happy period of our relationship. She might want it, or she might not want it. She might want it but her wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, or husband would scream.
e. Pinball Machine - 1980 Bally Xenon pinball machine. She coos. If some relative thinks it is cool and will preserve it, then they should get it. Otherwise sell it but don't let it go to waste.
4. Requests for items: While I've erred on the side of an orderly will, I do ask that all interested parties consider reasonable requests regarding my property. I have a cool victrola, maybe my mom or dad really wants it - that's fine. Whatever. The line of maybes is too long and annoying for me to probe through for a bunch of things people don't expect to get anyway. I have a lot of friends who may be interested in items from pictures to clothes, furniture to sex-toys. Please consider all requests and try to get the best mix of items possible to maximize everyone's interests. How's that for vague?
5. Most of my belongings are of no particular value. What, does Ikea repossess?
6. Account Information: (XremovedX)
ARTICLE SIX: RESIDUAL ESTATE
A) MY SISTER. This is a big problem area for me. I do not respect the choices she has made in her life, loathe her lazy fake-disabled joke of a husband, and fear her kids will learn her idiocy and be unworthy of money gifts. While I have worked hard to achieve financial and academic success, she dropped out of high school and lived off of welfare. I do not want my hard earned acquisitions to lift her out of her situation, rewarding her for her life of sloth.
1. I fear that my parents will continue their life-long mistake of throwing resources at my sister's problems despite all obvious lessons through her history that these actions only make her problems worse. Despite this fear, I am letting the money go to my parents with no conditions on them. I hope they respect my wishes and don't waste my hard work rewarding idiocy and laziness.
2. On the other hand, my sister's children should not be punished for her mistakes. Hell, even she might realize the err of her ways by now. I ask that both my parents respect my desire to monitor both her and her kids, and that any allocation to my sister's family be conditional upon work. For instance, paying for my niece's or nephew's college would be perfect. Buying some moron a pony farm would be reprehensible.
B) If no one is around from my immediate family or my sister's kids, then I would like my Personal Representative to try and locate successful people from my father's side of the family. I've met some of the (XremovedX) and they seem to have successful lives and would not waste gifts. On the other hand, they tend to be practicing catholics which makes me ill. I would err on the side of giving money to freaks in my extended family over those who already have money and are church trash.
C) I won't freak if my stuff goes to an organization that is remotely religious in it's mission, but I don't want to contribute to any spreading of religion or morons who choose not to give condoms to developing nations etc.
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no subject
Date: 2005-05-22 07:27 pm (UTC)B) I do not give a hoot about what happens to my body after I die.
I decided a while back to either be disposed of in the cheapest way legally possible or to be laid to rest in a coffin packed with enough black powder to vaporize a cow and launched and detonated over some large body of water.
no subject
Date: 2005-05-22 07:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-22 09:12 pm (UTC)B) I do not give a hoot about what happens to my body after I die.
I opt for a Viking Funeral. First, a specific sum will be used to build a small-scale Viking longship Then, my body should be palced in the boat, saturated with single-malt scotch and Danish rum (the high-octane 160+ proof stuff) and set afire and adrift in a suitable body of water. I think the Great Lakes might work - right climate and in the right place the border issues with Canada and the US might allow the flames to burn long enough before things could be disrupted by authorities.
Of course, a proper Irish-Viking wake would be in order with dancing, drinking, and 48 hours of lasciviousness to try and make up for what I would no longer be able to enjoy.
no subject
Date: 2005-05-23 02:56 pm (UTC)