(no subject)

[vicarz]

I used to suck worse at fighting. I've studied more, but am I any better? Fear has always been a large part of my life - I spent years being paralyzed by terror. I wasn't beat up so much as the threat of violence was enough to send me running. Even when I was in the midst of studying martial arts, I found a great distance between what I could do in training, and what I could do when actually faced with a confrontation. In something I thought was a confrontation, my hands would shake, and I would hardly be able to speak or move. Even when approached with an assailant I knew I could beat, I found myself paralyzed.

This doesn't seem to happen anymore. I'm not sure if this means I have less fear, if I've felt it for so long that I've adapted to its presence, or if I simply haven't been scared - that perhaps if I am genuinely worried about my safety the paralysis will return. I like to credit boxing for some of the fear dissuasion. As much as I suck, standing in someone's face as they try to hit you while trying to hit them, dodging punches over and over again, trying to use someone's punches towards you as a way to jam your face into his chest, all counters the instincts.