(no subject)

[vicarz]

So I finally got bored enough to learn how to change the format of my LJ. I don't think it's fancy, just more practical. I was wasting 3" on the left, now I'm not. Each entry no longer shows a picture. I wanted to find an area that allowed me to default all views to < p align = "left" > and adjust borders, but couldn't find it. I won't have as many complaints about people's pictures making my view all wobbly. I'm tempted to play with the colors and make it look like a hot dog stand, or use that picture of a cartoon woman shooting a laser out of her vagina as the background. Instead, it's an easy on the eyes nondescript gray like my car. It's a tool used to convey.

I had a blast dancing last night. It was odd - I've been isolated for so long that I wasn't really comfortable around people, but I was thrilled to be around people. I just danced a lot and wandered around. There were people I wanted to talk to with whom I did not, and I didn't talk to or touch anyone as much as I wanted to. Mood. Today between the gym and dancing my abs, triceps, neck, quads, calves, and a few other areas are sore - good feeling. I love my body. Yum, and it really works.

I would like to apologize to everyone nice who also likes my body and wants to fuck it, whom I do not fuck. While I understand I have no obligation to reciprocate your desire, I appreciate your attention and wish there were a way I could allow you to act on your desires that was compatible with my own.

I'm a boy. I play.
I'm learning. I'm growing. I make mistakes. I act on impulses. I want and have things that are bad for me. There are things I don't understand. I get frustrated. I hurt. I long. My feelings seem very important, and occasionally they overwhelm me. My opinions all seem correct, and I don't understand why more people don't agree. I touch things to see how they feel. I stare in wonder. I let chocolate melt in my mouth, and wipe it from my hand onto my jeans. My body is flexible and attractive. I play sports. I smell.
I'm a man. I trudge.
I excel and succeed. I make the impossible possible. I persevere. I put aside feelings and work to get done what must be done. I focus. I have experience and knowledge. I prioritize. I admit mistakes, leaving them behind, learning from them. I find the truth is a shade of gray, and can live with ambiguity. I understand some truths others perceive. I understand and anticipate how others feel. My face has lines, my skin grows dry quickly, and I can find grey hairs. I have accumulated things. I care less than I used to about almost everything.
I'm a hybrid. I feel like a boy, but can act like a man.

Comments

[ex-dasboot.livejournal.com]

I think that somewhere in there, you're part Zombie (http://obscura.org/misc/20050205_chiaroscuro/pages/IMG_4143.html) as well.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Brains...sweet juicy brains...

Belated conversation

[(Anonymous)]

I saw you, too, last night and we both had the "not really up for dialogue" vibe going on. Forced chatter is draining. I was delighted to see you, hope you got your groove on (I did!), and I sent you happy feelings. Did you catch them?

Also, kudos to the boy/man/hybrid analysis. If that was off the cuff, damn y0.

-Kriste J.

Re: Belated conversation

[vicar.livejournal.com]

It was off the cuff, most of my writing is - though that's not to say I haven't thought and talked about it before I wrote it. I've been seeing myself, in mirror glances, as other people react to me, and it's confusing as I look more mannish - but in my mind I still look like I did at 20. I can sort of see my body, but the idea that I'm actually growing older doesn't jive with how I feel. Writing it down I find I am a man in a lot of ways, but the thought was really just based on discontinuity between how I feel and how it seems I appear.

Did you catch them?
Hey, you're asking me to catch something from you?!

[eriss.livejournal.com]

Apology accepted.

[azcra.livejournal.com]

you weren't comfortable around people last night? well, you seemed like you were...but then again i don't know you very well :P

[vicar.livejournal.com]

It's not always easy to tell. I'm often 'touchier' and spend more time talking to individuals. Last night I was more moth-like, talking to many but not staying long enough for real conversation per se.

Hey I went to your site but didn't see chinchillas!

[azcra.livejournal.com]

yes, you did seem rather mothlike now that you mention it. hopefully, next time you go out you'll feel more like yourself :)

i'm not finished editing the chinchilla pictures yet. i have been trying to work on them these past few days, but i haven't been feeling well. i'll put up the couple i did edit in my azcradotcom journal in a few minutes just for you :)

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Aw thanx! I'll tell you my chicnilla story later :) (it's not like a great story, but you can only have so many chinchilla stories in the US)

[azcra.livejournal.com]

oh yeah...you never did get to tell me that story...