* F L A W S *
Jan. 14th, 2003 09:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vicarzI just realized that I post things in LJ. That sounds dumb, but I hadn't realized how often until I actually looked at my recent entries view. Much of what I write, it turns out, is exaggerated. I blow off steam in the gym, to my friends, and in writing. I've also realized that I probably open up too much on this thing. Oh well - I choose to be an open book. I only keep secrets for the sake of others, as in their secrets, or to keep others from being uncomfortable. If you read this stuff, well if it makes you uncomfortable then I'd have to suggest not reading it.
Being polite often involves being 'fake.' Me, I have flaws. I'm working on many of them, open to input on all of them, but am not terribly interested in trying to look cool by hiding them. If I'm to be judged, I'd rather be judged as a complete work rather than a showy facade. I look at some of the things I write and realize they sound psycho, but I don't erase them. They are parts of who I am. I wouldn't feel honest if I hid the bad and only showed the thoughtful crap. The only thing I worry about is that I tend to blow of steam but not happiness, so my posts will be very biased toward the negative. Eh. I don't write well when I'm happy!
I've learned this neat trick during those two years of abuse at work - of turning off what I feel for a period of time. It doesn't last for long, but it does get me through the day. It's not subverting feelings, it's just letting them wash over you. Acknowledge that you feel them, understand why, determine if you can do something about it, and then mentally move to something else. It's not something I've perfected, but it helps in the short term. I have anger issues, and am trying to learn to let anger go. It's not an easy thing to learn. I had/have a horrible habit of obsessing over things I can't control - carrying them with me.
A story that influenced me:
Two monks are walking down a path, and come to a large muddy puddle. A woman is standing by the puddle, and asks if the monks can help her somehow. One monk lifts the woman onto his shoulders and carries her across the puddle and sets her down on the other side. She thanks him and goes on her way. The two monks continue in a different direction, until the other monk suddenly bursts out "How could you do that!?"
The monk asks what he has done to upset him so. He stammers out of frustration about carrying the woman, how they touched and caused so much danger to their vows. The monk answered "I set her down at the path - why do you still carry her?"
I hope my eyebrows aren't as thick as a mentat's.
Being polite often involves being 'fake.' Me, I have flaws. I'm working on many of them, open to input on all of them, but am not terribly interested in trying to look cool by hiding them. If I'm to be judged, I'd rather be judged as a complete work rather than a showy facade. I look at some of the things I write and realize they sound psycho, but I don't erase them. They are parts of who I am. I wouldn't feel honest if I hid the bad and only showed the thoughtful crap. The only thing I worry about is that I tend to blow of steam but not happiness, so my posts will be very biased toward the negative. Eh. I don't write well when I'm happy!
I've learned this neat trick during those two years of abuse at work - of turning off what I feel for a period of time. It doesn't last for long, but it does get me through the day. It's not subverting feelings, it's just letting them wash over you. Acknowledge that you feel them, understand why, determine if you can do something about it, and then mentally move to something else. It's not something I've perfected, but it helps in the short term. I have anger issues, and am trying to learn to let anger go. It's not an easy thing to learn. I had/have a horrible habit of obsessing over things I can't control - carrying them with me.
A story that influenced me:
Two monks are walking down a path, and come to a large muddy puddle. A woman is standing by the puddle, and asks if the monks can help her somehow. One monk lifts the woman onto his shoulders and carries her across the puddle and sets her down on the other side. She thanks him and goes on her way. The two monks continue in a different direction, until the other monk suddenly bursts out "How could you do that!?"
The monk asks what he has done to upset him so. He stammers out of frustration about carrying the woman, how they touched and caused so much danger to their vows. The monk answered "I set her down at the path - why do you still carry her?"
I hope my eyebrows aren't as thick as a mentat's.
