(no subject)
Jun. 25th, 2004 07:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vicarzI really like some of the writing I did yesterday - but fucking LJ blew all day long. I wonder if it will work today past 8am...
I'm having trouble working. I've been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster, mostly lows or I might not notice, but...I'm rediscovering music as escapism right now. I was just noticing how little I gave a shit (gave a shit = shat?) about music, and now it's transporting me into horrid places I feel a pull to. Work is suffering, though circumstances have made that less than obvious.
I drink all day - seems like I constantly have a bad taste in my mouth and I drink to make it go away. Sometimes I drink as though there is some point I will reach, some clarity, some place I can go, some ... if I just drink enough, there is perhaps one more drink until it feels better. I feel myself moving, but not getting there. I can do other things while I drink, they feel more...but I don't get there. What drink, I remember feeling like i was there, noting that this is the feeling I was after - a dream, no, I remember it. I just can't seem to reach it now and the constant flow isn't working this time.
Music is the same now, I can play it louder, it's stranger, it's painting with me and surrounding and blocking out. Loud enough that I can't hear inside anymore - broad brushes to cover the colors, to swirl them, spinning, out of me. Replace the paintings.
I'm having trouble working. I've been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster, mostly lows or I might not notice, but...I'm rediscovering music as escapism right now. I was just noticing how little I gave a shit (gave a shit = shat?) about music, and now it's transporting me into horrid places I feel a pull to. Work is suffering, though circumstances have made that less than obvious.
I drink all day - seems like I constantly have a bad taste in my mouth and I drink to make it go away. Sometimes I drink as though there is some point I will reach, some clarity, some place I can go, some ... if I just drink enough, there is perhaps one more drink until it feels better. I feel myself moving, but not getting there. I can do other things while I drink, they feel more...but I don't get there. What drink, I remember feeling like i was there, noting that this is the feeling I was after - a dream, no, I remember it. I just can't seem to reach it now and the constant flow isn't working this time.
Music is the same now, I can play it louder, it's stranger, it's painting with me and surrounding and blocking out. Loud enough that I can't hear inside anymore - broad brushes to cover the colors, to swirl them, spinning, out of me. Replace the paintings.
