![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
May. 20th, 2016 05:27 pmI'm seeing a consistent flaw in addressing issues: group affiliation.
I work with someone, who often answers questions with long descriptions of how shitty the person is. "He says you didn't respond to his voice mail, is that true?" "He's that guy who is always complaining and trying to get things for free! A real shitbag!" Our worst employees in the office are the most social - and commonly then using friendly exchanges to break into seeking affirmation for their side of performance failures "How can they be expecting me to get all those files? They've been backed up in that file room since before my time..."
There is a positive side to reality checking - the too-far version would be seeking validation. Anyone can get validation for their side of the story, but that doesn't make them correct.
I see this all the time with EEO, grievance, and discipline appeal cases. One of the reasons it is so easy to win is you can tell the person has gotten used to telling their story over and over to an audience that doesn't question the story. My questions throw them off their rhythm, and as they've told the story they've tailored it to garner more sympathy. They've omitted or minimized facts that don't help, emphasized strong parts, and often focus on emotion. For instance, many people who get fired spend a lot of time complaining about how traumatic and embarrassing it was to be escorted out by security "like a criminal." That's normal and not relevant.
So...it seems like people who get too addicted to group affiliation spend their time garnering support, but not enough time working through their problems. Even if the work situation is unfair, most of the time even an unfair system can be worked - and if it's horribly unfair, you can leave. Emotional support is hugely important, but if it is too important, then it may distract you from lessons you need to learn such as: when something is your fault, how to overcome adversity, or when to cut bait.
The EEO process is filled with these folks. I used to be one of them, at least in part. I'm not sure I'm any smarter, as I like to be well received by my chain of command - perhaps I bear the weakness but with a more beneficial audience. Or I really did grow up and do better work (I definitely do better work).
I work with someone, who often answers questions with long descriptions of how shitty the person is. "He says you didn't respond to his voice mail, is that true?" "He's that guy who is always complaining and trying to get things for free! A real shitbag!" Our worst employees in the office are the most social - and commonly then using friendly exchanges to break into seeking affirmation for their side of performance failures "How can they be expecting me to get all those files? They've been backed up in that file room since before my time..."
There is a positive side to reality checking - the too-far version would be seeking validation. Anyone can get validation for their side of the story, but that doesn't make them correct.
I see this all the time with EEO, grievance, and discipline appeal cases. One of the reasons it is so easy to win is you can tell the person has gotten used to telling their story over and over to an audience that doesn't question the story. My questions throw them off their rhythm, and as they've told the story they've tailored it to garner more sympathy. They've omitted or minimized facts that don't help, emphasized strong parts, and often focus on emotion. For instance, many people who get fired spend a lot of time complaining about how traumatic and embarrassing it was to be escorted out by security "like a criminal." That's normal and not relevant.
So...it seems like people who get too addicted to group affiliation spend their time garnering support, but not enough time working through their problems. Even if the work situation is unfair, most of the time even an unfair system can be worked - and if it's horribly unfair, you can leave. Emotional support is hugely important, but if it is too important, then it may distract you from lessons you need to learn such as: when something is your fault, how to overcome adversity, or when to cut bait.
The EEO process is filled with these folks. I used to be one of them, at least in part. I'm not sure I'm any smarter, as I like to be well received by my chain of command - perhaps I bear the weakness but with a more beneficial audience. Or I really did grow up and do better work (I definitely do better work).
