(no subject)

I composed something I'm not posting.

Learn, apply, practice, grow

Last night I sat in my club, which was closer to empty than I would have liked, and disappeared in the music, dark, spinning lights...and even the nudge of booze. It was exactly what I wanted; needed.

I need to not need that.

I need to stop writing off my own weaknesses such as "I don't get emotions" or "I need time to process this" as somehow acceptable. I'm learning but I need to pick up the pace - I have emotions, they matter. I wasn't listening to them, but I have gone too far in thinking. I need to be able to know what I'm feeling and how to weigh emotions into my thinking.

I don't have to be perfect but I can't continue to be stupid.

So my thinking, my emotional processing in clubs, I thought back about other times I've done it. I think for a time the club was my safe space, so loud and distracting I could hear my own voice and drunk enough to speak. Now it's not clear I need that - instead it's something I've learned. Wasn't there a time I self-discovered on long road trips? I got over Jane on a 4 hour drive...never returned to the abject misery again.

I'm happy, but I've been through a lot in the last few months. It will, it should, take a while to reorient myself. I have help.