Jul. 6th, 2014

vicarz: (Sushi girl)
Found out last night that a friend has been engaged in theft, probably for years. If I had been asked, I would have endorsed / recommended him - for employment, as a roommate, or for a security check. I wouldn't have hesitated or questioned my judgment - he was insane, made terrible judgment calls, and had a very alternative lifestyle; but he was one of us. We shared morality and culture. Now I'm sort of ashamed of him and my judgment.

Yet I'm also not. What he did was theft on a large scale, but of small amounts from many people. He was not robbing anyone - the victims never realized the source of the crimes. Also, I'm a thief - at least in my mind. As a child I stole, and even today I can walk past a car with change between the seats and the idea still crosses my mind. It's natural - most animals steal. I don't, but I've always wondered if I hadn't worked so hard for so long to have this much access to money if I would still be a thief today. Said another way, is my morality the product of my age or situation? The answer is likely a mesh of factors.

He's fucked. For his crimes he has ruined his life, and for not-very-much at all. He didn't get rich or experience much of a benefit from his idiocy, but he has no education and regardless of whether he gets time or how much, he's borderline unemployable for life now. He had a good steady job that would have provided for him and his family for life, now he'll be lucky if he could nab work in fast food.

This is what I do for a living, help keep fuckers like this fucked.

No really, the minute I heard I recognized the type of case, the investigation and branch that did it, knew the likely strengths and flaws to the case, was pretty sure of the non-criminal outcome, and knew his narrow chance of one whit of mercy from the process I engage in. I know how to roll the process along, over him, and all the data that supports the outcome best for the taxpayer and organization they support. I routinely counter all his possible pleas and defenses. This is what I do.

But this is no stranger, nobody that I first encountered based on being caught doing something wrong. No, this is someone I swap drinks and hugs with. I have met his family. I know the moral ambiguity of his romantic life and while I question his judgment his motivation is familiar to me. I have seen him pursue art and shock me with the breadth of his success. I know him as a person, who committed an act, but I knew him first.

Not long ago I had a guy...his case wasn't perfect, and he initiated an unusual settlement option in which he kept his job. I used my credibility with a big manager to make it happen. All accounts are he's working out great, and I've engaged with him multiple times as he's had questions; each time he is trying to obey the rules (and does). I help him and am happy, proud, to do so. Another guy was a creep, I fought that one and lost (with minimal stakes), but during some interactions I looked at him and saw my father's familiar flaws. He disgusted me but I found a part of me that pitied him. While I fought him in every way I knew how, and got emotional in the process, I held myself in check to force myself to treat him with respect and dignity.

In each case I did my duty, zealously. However in my line of work it is easy to depersonify depersonalize the idiots (oops) I go up against. Last night, and now today, I get reminders that the people I work against are just people. They've done or are doing bad things, but not horrible things and certainly not unimaginable things. We have to react the way we do, but I have to keep in mind that they deserve my respect. There is nothing in my job that prevents me from doing my best while still treating them with respect. I can still offer then genuine kind words. I have a funny habit of giving "advice," nothing secret, and they never trust it from me, but I do tell the truth and often even provide references.

It can be hard to treat people with respect, but you do get better with practice. It helps that people generally react well to genuine respect even when you disagree. Faking that through actions, I suppose it's possible but I suspect without the true feeling behind it that people would see through the facade.

Sigh - I'm dealing with my own life ambiguities right now.
One side effect of that is realizing how much I've changed from only a few years ago (or what feels like a few years, maybe 20 ;P). My 2nd finance criticized me, rightly so, for seeing the world in black and white. It's not something I recovered from or am sure that I ever will...ah but statements like that show my progress. I don't know the answer, and I know I don't know the answer. Whatever I do or don't, there is no perfect solution and outcome. My friends, giving me advice, mean their best, but each has their own perspective and bias. Every decision has upsides and downsides, and no decision is immune to regret and wondering if I did the right thing. The only thing I think I have is the knowledge to commit to a decision when made (or declared) and stick with it so long as reasonable. But the ambiguity? I've learned to live with it.

Hell right now I think I'm leaning on ambiguity like an old friend.

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vicarz

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