![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Nov. 25th, 2013 03:21 pmI remember being that crazy and it wasn’t that long ago, not as I measure time today. I can look at the facts I know and place a theory about why, but the feeling itself is unfamiliar like a trip to the dentist. You cannot accurately recall acute pain, though you will take great steps to prevent it. Can I accurately remember that self absorbed feeling sorry for myself at 15, 25, 35? Today I feel much more nothing, and am so grateful - fuck manic if it comes with lows. I like love and joy sure, but fuck ‘em if they come with that pain. I’ll just collect my check, drink beer, and watch tv.
No, right now I’m not sure I remember and I like “not crazy,” but I can’t be logical and think I’m not crazy. I’m not currently aware of acting crazy right now, and do not foresee situations that will make me crazy in the future. However, I cannot explain the crazy I was, so I cannot rule out that or other crazy in the future.
Talking to a friend yesterday who spends as much time explaining things, rationalizing behavior that seems irrational (ours and others), and I walked away with the idea it doesn’t matter. As I bleat - everything comes with plusses and minuses. Why even make decisions - they’re all the same. Other than flagrantly self-destructive or irresponsible things, the way you feel is a short-term distraction and long-term guide, but perhaps more a result than a cause. I can’t even care enough to finish this line of thought.
No, right now I’m not sure I remember and I like “not crazy,” but I can’t be logical and think I’m not crazy. I’m not currently aware of acting crazy right now, and do not foresee situations that will make me crazy in the future. However, I cannot explain the crazy I was, so I cannot rule out that or other crazy in the future.
Talking to a friend yesterday who spends as much time explaining things, rationalizing behavior that seems irrational (ours and others), and I walked away with the idea it doesn’t matter. As I bleat - everything comes with plusses and minuses. Why even make decisions - they’re all the same. Other than flagrantly self-destructive or irresponsible things, the way you feel is a short-term distraction and long-term guide, but perhaps more a result than a cause. I can’t even care enough to finish this line of thought.
