Sex toy tug-o-war

Last night Janna and I hit Hampden, eating (and drinking) in Holy Frijoles before going to the sex shoppe "Sugar." NSFW if sex shoppe websites are NSFW in your place of employment. As we walked in the door, the shop-dog hopped up off his bed to greet/screen us both. She looked around but I was more distracted by the old pup who was enraptured as I scratched him/her to the point of the grooming reflex. I thumped the dog boyfully and wandered off to look at toys and goo. However, doggity was still thrilled about the attention and got a toy from behind the counter and started taunting me with it by shaking it and growling. When I didn't show interest, he/she came up and bumphed the thing against my leg until I grabbed it, and then the growling began. I dutifully pulled it away, feeling whether the dog dominated (straight pull) or submitted (shaking side-to-side pulls) but this old pup just sort of held it w/o moving. So I pulled, growled back, and tails were wagged (and eyes rolled, poor Janna). I let the toy go, and puppy spun around to re-engage my interest in toy - but in spinning caught the cord from a 2' vibrator which loudly clacked to the floor. The owner/employee (?) said it was no problem, but of course I was horribly ashamed. Dog is dog - I should have been more responsible.
No more playing tug-o-war in the sex shoppe.

My trans issue(s):
I have a tranny problem. First of all, I find the highly-offensive term tranny comfortable and when I say things like trans-identified or try to use the preferred gender pronoun I'm thinking about it, like when I say african-amer instead of "black" as my black friends say and I grew up with. I've used the term in a group I of friends that has a few in it, and honestly that's how I first learned it was considered offensive. However, I respect the issue and people's right to ask for a less offensive term - so long as that term is not long-winded. Seriously, "black" is superior to any afri-amer term because black is one syllable, while AA is 7 fucking syllables. If people asked to be called "AA" pronounced "Uh" I'd be far more likely to make the switch. I guess "trans" would work but I think the answer that usually comes out is to use the pronoun of the gender identity. This is confusing to me when so much of my peer group includes cross dressers, switches of all varieties, gender-fuckers-on-purpose, fetishists...though more around shock value and fetish scenes than regular day-to-day life. In my world gender isn't always obvious at first blush and for my friends it often would be rude not to notice and comment on gender cues? Egads it's confusing.
So, about trans people: the employee last night looked curious to me - like someone with ink makes me want to stare at their ink to see what it is and might mean. I don't mind, fear, or automatically want to fuck someone because I perceive a mix of gender cues, but it does make me want to stare. However, after a long written interchange I saw in CP
[related to destroyed MD trans legislation as the trans community imploded with those who were in favor of compromise to put legislation through and those who said any compromise was completely unacceptable]
I am more acutely aware of how some elements of the fractured community are really sensitive about ... well being stared at. I do stare or worse, try not to stare (which I hear from the disabled community is worse or more obvious than staring - you can't win for trying). I intellectually respect people's determination over my knee-jerk-gut reaction to the issue, but I don't "feel" understanding and that probably shows. It obviously exists and is huge to some people, psyc professionals have studied and get it and people feel it - but my gut doesn't understand it. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings so whether I voice my non-understanding or not I assume all trans are betazoid and know from the radiation from my head that I looked or looked away too long. Once that little gender-mix bell in my head went off, everything she did made me wonder about the gender. Because I think trans people want to be perceived without question as they portray themselves, I try not to think about it which becomes an elephant in my head - like a catholic, whatever I'm not supposed to do or want becomes an overwhelming fetish. I stared at double-edged swords just to try to avoid looking like I was thinking something. I still wonder if she noticed and hope to cheese I didn't offend her.

So my problem is not understanding and not knowing how to act, and knowing if I knew how to act I'd likely be a self-conscious apologetic freak even more than I already am. Sometimes I really envy unapologetic douchebags for their lazy "my way is the only way and fuck you for caring" bumbling through life. I do care, but I do make mistakes and bug people anyway and it sucks.

Apologist?
I have that apologist problem. I like to stare at a girl's chest, or a guy's but only if he has pert dime-sized hairless nipples), at anyone's muscular legs, flat tummys, muscles anywhere, soft folds of skin, but I'm nearly terrified of eye contact and worry for all the staring I do of creeping anyone out. I'm actively trying to make eye contact, to either not stare or get more comfortable and smiley about it. I love it when people stare at me - got caught in a past-walk double-take with a cologned flaming black guy just the other day (you know, where you both looked and then after passing did that mutual turn-around and saw each other doing it - the could have sex right now because interest is mutually obvious thing?) (I wasn't really interested, but honestly was guessing whether he was going to stare and he did, click) but I'd give up 100 happy mutual stares for causing one uncomfortable "ew" in their eyes...
WOW I've had a lot of coffee. It may have been cold, but that was like 48-64 oz. No wonder I used to write so much.
I mean a girl could have giant tattoo-arrows pointing to her boobs with "please look" tattooed to her eyelids and cheeks and I'd still shyly try not to stare. Hell I know a girl who has publicly erotically danced and has tattoos that that could be seen as arrows pointing to her squished-ham (analogy by DS), and despite being friends I stare at the piercing in-between her eyes to keep from following the arrows. I do have some friends I'll actually ask if they mind if I stare and the answer is always no with a chuckle, you dolt. My answer is also no-I-don't-mind, with a caveat that if it isn't really obvious I may think they're mad at me or I have something stuck in my teeth. "Oh, staring at my sex? That's ok."

Kel pointed out I never made eye-contact with service staff, worrying it was dismissive or rude. Oddly as someone that used to both do service and wait tables, I feel guilt at being served and unconsciously avoid eye contact as sort of a sign of respect - in my head there is a whole logical world that doesn't necessarily correlate well to the world everyone else lives in. I'm still trying to remember to make more eye contact, be comfortable, and smile for fuck's sake. Smiling is often how I feel and there is no need to bury that.

Coffee and sex:
I'm full of coffee and urge to write, but I feel self-censored. I also feel self-indulgent and I'm bordering on a self-fetish. Oh I want to fuck myself but I don't think I'm necessarily attractive - I love my body and am comfortable with my face though I'm not sure I recognize it outside of a mirror, but the way I want to sex myself doesn't make sense. I'd like to sea-slug myself in a 69 with each penis inside each mouth, each ejaculating into my brains, but my pseudo bisexuality makes me question my identity vs. reality. I don't find myself attractive, but totally hot. I'm male, and I'm not necessarily attracted to males. However, because it's me and male I'm horribly hottened by the thought of pressing up against my male body, a male body, of touching something that feels like private me but isn't, of feeling that muscular curve of my ass and thighs - but there is something unreal, straight about it. Am I bi because I totally get off on male-on-male sex, or straight because it's just hot and not some loving act? If I didn't live in a gay-phobic society, would I have any gay-sex-urge at all? I'm not sure if I find it hot more as forbidden fruit than an actual biological drive. I mean I put honey on toast all the time but don't think about honey on someone's mound - but put honey on your mound and you'd think I was a bee. I think I'm more slut than bisexual. It's like male-male sex with me is just sexy rather than a bio urge. What is that? I mean I don't care, I'm too old to have an identity crisis, but it's still a piece of mirror curiosity.