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Mar. 7th, 2011 07:50 amFurther proof - pants fit better. God this is boring wondering about how my body works. Still, I'm enjoying something I haven't in ages - newbie growth spurts. I don't run much, so these whopper gains in a short time of effort are so much fun! Somehow I don't think my strength gains are going to be 25% by spring...
Also going on is some self-indulgent wondering how my mind works. I've always lamented that my favorite times in life were short, from that 3 days to 6 mos of initial romance with anyone, to the summer I actually had friends, to the dorms when times were good, to that period of time I thought club friends meant something...yet in my experience no group of friends has "worked out." It always ends, either in betrayal, growing apart, or realizing the whole thing was illusory to start with.
Then logic kicks my sorry-feeling-for-me teeth in with "Wait, did you think you'd marry those friends?" It sounds silly, but my unthought-out mistake is thinking friends or groups of friends are supposed to last. I mean friends should, but I've spent a lot of time pursuing the social equivalent of shiny objects. I've wondered why I don't have more reliable or long-term friends, and am sure the answer lies in myself or my own behavior. Think it through. The logic part is looking and comparing, realizing that groups of friends generally don't last. I've known some that did, but often heard what they think of and do to each other - I'd rather than enemies than those friends. Like lovers and other social bonds, they break up. Friendships that last are often activity based or isolated cases - like I have, a couple of long-term good friends. Not 20, not in one place, and not all liking each other like a tv show.
I have a hard time appreciating something that goes away. I utterly disagree, for myself, that it is better to have loved and lost. I'd rather not lose, not play.
I need to find a way to appreciate what is "normal," and just appreciate the lack of pain that I've found. I have to enjoy the rewards I've earned without hyper-analyzing them until I've made myself unhappy. I could drink too much and write a bunch of self-indulgent drivel, or even run around trying to recreate the nonexistent past. I should learn to appreciate what I've had, appreciate that I had it, appreciate that it had to come and go, and not lament its passing.
Also going on is some self-indulgent wondering how my mind works. I've always lamented that my favorite times in life were short, from that 3 days to 6 mos of initial romance with anyone, to the summer I actually had friends, to the dorms when times were good, to that period of time I thought club friends meant something...yet in my experience no group of friends has "worked out." It always ends, either in betrayal, growing apart, or realizing the whole thing was illusory to start with.
Then logic kicks my sorry-feeling-for-me teeth in with "Wait, did you think you'd marry those friends?" It sounds silly, but my unthought-out mistake is thinking friends or groups of friends are supposed to last. I mean friends should, but I've spent a lot of time pursuing the social equivalent of shiny objects. I've wondered why I don't have more reliable or long-term friends, and am sure the answer lies in myself or my own behavior. Think it through. The logic part is looking and comparing, realizing that groups of friends generally don't last. I've known some that did, but often heard what they think of and do to each other - I'd rather than enemies than those friends. Like lovers and other social bonds, they break up. Friendships that last are often activity based or isolated cases - like I have, a couple of long-term good friends. Not 20, not in one place, and not all liking each other like a tv show.
I have a hard time appreciating something that goes away. I utterly disagree, for myself, that it is better to have loved and lost. I'd rather not lose, not play.
I need to find a way to appreciate what is "normal," and just appreciate the lack of pain that I've found. I have to enjoy the rewards I've earned without hyper-analyzing them until I've made myself unhappy. I could drink too much and write a bunch of self-indulgent drivel, or even run around trying to recreate the nonexistent past. I should learn to appreciate what I've had, appreciate that I had it, appreciate that it had to come and go, and not lament its passing.
