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Talking to myself
Feb. 12th, 2011 07:45 amOddly the news keeps repeating this story about a man in VA who was selling do-it-yourself moonshine kits. The police took the time to troll craigslist (which is a great way to locate stolen goods from burglaries lately) and hunt this guy down. Um, this is a crime? I can make my own beer in my house, even wine, and I can buy any kind of booze stamped by the state tax - but as a leftover relic from prohibition I can't make my own booze or buy it without paying taxes on non-mainstream-commercial alcohol!? Really? I had no idea this was a crime, and now that I know, I say it should not be. What rationale supports this law other than momentum? My tax dollars are still funding the underlying plot of the Dukes of Hazard's Uncle Jessie?
I am a fan of law, the law, and many laws - but not those that cause more harm than good or are obsolete. But...ah yes, here I am on the internet spouting my opinion. The result of this activity is that I feel better about giving my opinion to anyone who happens to roam by. What I am not doing is directing this energy into any sort of actual change, bettering society or myself. It's affirmation activity.
I'm masturbating too much.
But you have a girlfriend?
That's not what I mean. I mean this...posting, talking to myself, reviewing my stock portfolio, updating my caseload at work, all sorts of activities that don't result in measurable change. I'm avoiding facebook but that's where everyone is. Sure it is stupid, twitter with pictures, but I have the power to remove the frequent posters and don't. I could write there but I don't. I could take the page with me via cell and access it for real-time interaction but I don't. I'm still trying to see who wants to go to lunch or dinner, sending emails, and making phone calls. I am living in the planned-for-days world when many seem to have moved into the "Where are you right now" or "I'm here, who's around and hungry?" world. Should I change?
My friends think I'm productive, think I achieve or over-achieve, and people who barely know me think I'm wild. I'm dull - I'm as dull as a churchgoer. Sure I go to the wild club, but it's not wild if you go there every week and know the staff and regulars. Sure I go to the gym like others wish they could, but they're used to not going and I'm just used to going. I want to do new routines, but don't. I went to new clubs when I was out of town, but in town I can't even motivate myself to go to Nellies for the first time, Town for an actual gay night, Nouveau Riche - heck tonight is NR and I'm probably just going to go to the restaurant basement with its wedding dance floor and french-fry smell. Last night I could have gone to dance with the gf in a b-more club, geeked at game night, or gone to ByGays happy hour - didn't. Would I have gone if I was out of town? How did I choose reading the economist and a book over going to an electro dance club? Instead of something new I (late) checked in with some nearby friends I knew, to maybe go to restaurants and bars we know, to talk about the people and drama we all know...masturbating. Producing nothing but affirmation.
All through law school I told myself that when I graduated I'd go sit in the lobby and just try to feel the place, whenever I forgot what it felt like to be there, the rush, the stress and fear, all that pain that had evaporated. The wishing I had 20 minutes or 8 hours when I waste days at a time. Well, I just wasted a week of vacation time to go nowhere, do nothing, and produce nothing. I work my ass off for the time off, sacrifice real lawyer pay for the less-time-worked - then with the time off I do nothing. If I enjoyed nothing that would be fine - but I am so used to "being productive" that I feel guilty for the time I goof off.
Why does goof off mean, if I don't think about it, something between dancing in a club, beating somebody up, or having wild group sex that would look good on film? I've done those things and each causes more stress than it provides pleasure. In theory all could be a blast, everyone seems to fantasize about some variant of each of those or some life-equivalent depending on lifestyle, but the reality is about as disappointing as a real college party compared to the movie frat blowout. Take bound for instance...someone I need to pull from my groups since they email the same tired ads multiple times a day. "Hey gang!..." I thought it was wild for a time, went wild there for a time, saw the wheat through the chafe, renamed it the recent divorce party when the pattern was obvious, found the part-timers were far less annoying than the sex-lifestylers, then found the whole thing so boring there wasn't even a reason to muster the energy to dislike it. Some part of me still fuzzily recalls that initial spark, but I can't remember that without all the train wrecks, seen and my own idiocy/experiences, to imagine it has much potential. That's easy for many of my friends to relate to, but it applies as well to renfest, goth night, gay anything, the gym, your office job, making families...nothing is worth doing if you think it through. Nothing.
Then again I'm old. Old. Old enough to be president. I have gray hairs (you can't see them since my hair is light). I am tired more. My body creaks. Sure I'm in shape, but so was that creepy looking craigslist congressman. When I wear a tank top, do I look as creepy, desperate, and delusional as he did? Do people covered in ink, make-up, and more outlandish clothing look any less pathetic? Am I the same as a sloven dentist on a shiny harley? I've so much experience it's hard to have fun - people speak for 20 minutes and they start to look like fish in an aquarium with the light behind them - so transparent I know when they're about to shit. I still, despite my age, fight to live in a world of pretty people who say brilliant things and don't shit.
I've found myself having more spare time and doing less with it.
It's making me unhappy now, so something has to change.
I either need to kick my ass into gear and DO SOMETHING or I need to re-discover pleasure in not doing anything.
Do something or choose to do nothing.
I am a fan of law, the law, and many laws - but not those that cause more harm than good or are obsolete. But...ah yes, here I am on the internet spouting my opinion. The result of this activity is that I feel better about giving my opinion to anyone who happens to roam by. What I am not doing is directing this energy into any sort of actual change, bettering society or myself. It's affirmation activity.
I'm masturbating too much.
But you have a girlfriend?
That's not what I mean. I mean this...posting, talking to myself, reviewing my stock portfolio, updating my caseload at work, all sorts of activities that don't result in measurable change. I'm avoiding facebook but that's where everyone is. Sure it is stupid, twitter with pictures, but I have the power to remove the frequent posters and don't. I could write there but I don't. I could take the page with me via cell and access it for real-time interaction but I don't. I'm still trying to see who wants to go to lunch or dinner, sending emails, and making phone calls. I am living in the planned-for-days world when many seem to have moved into the "Where are you right now" or "I'm here, who's around and hungry?" world. Should I change?
My friends think I'm productive, think I achieve or over-achieve, and people who barely know me think I'm wild. I'm dull - I'm as dull as a churchgoer. Sure I go to the wild club, but it's not wild if you go there every week and know the staff and regulars. Sure I go to the gym like others wish they could, but they're used to not going and I'm just used to going. I want to do new routines, but don't. I went to new clubs when I was out of town, but in town I can't even motivate myself to go to Nellies for the first time, Town for an actual gay night, Nouveau Riche - heck tonight is NR and I'm probably just going to go to the restaurant basement with its wedding dance floor and french-fry smell. Last night I could have gone to dance with the gf in a b-more club, geeked at game night, or gone to ByGays happy hour - didn't. Would I have gone if I was out of town? How did I choose reading the economist and a book over going to an electro dance club? Instead of something new I (late) checked in with some nearby friends I knew, to maybe go to restaurants and bars we know, to talk about the people and drama we all know...masturbating. Producing nothing but affirmation.
All through law school I told myself that when I graduated I'd go sit in the lobby and just try to feel the place, whenever I forgot what it felt like to be there, the rush, the stress and fear, all that pain that had evaporated. The wishing I had 20 minutes or 8 hours when I waste days at a time. Well, I just wasted a week of vacation time to go nowhere, do nothing, and produce nothing. I work my ass off for the time off, sacrifice real lawyer pay for the less-time-worked - then with the time off I do nothing. If I enjoyed nothing that would be fine - but I am so used to "being productive" that I feel guilty for the time I goof off.
Why does goof off mean, if I don't think about it, something between dancing in a club, beating somebody up, or having wild group sex that would look good on film? I've done those things and each causes more stress than it provides pleasure. In theory all could be a blast, everyone seems to fantasize about some variant of each of those or some life-equivalent depending on lifestyle, but the reality is about as disappointing as a real college party compared to the movie frat blowout. Take bound for instance...someone I need to pull from my groups since they email the same tired ads multiple times a day. "Hey gang!..." I thought it was wild for a time, went wild there for a time, saw the wheat through the chafe, renamed it the recent divorce party when the pattern was obvious, found the part-timers were far less annoying than the sex-lifestylers, then found the whole thing so boring there wasn't even a reason to muster the energy to dislike it. Some part of me still fuzzily recalls that initial spark, but I can't remember that without all the train wrecks, seen and my own idiocy/experiences, to imagine it has much potential. That's easy for many of my friends to relate to, but it applies as well to renfest, goth night, gay anything, the gym, your office job, making families...nothing is worth doing if you think it through. Nothing.
Then again I'm old. Old. Old enough to be president. I have gray hairs (you can't see them since my hair is light). I am tired more. My body creaks. Sure I'm in shape, but so was that creepy looking craigslist congressman. When I wear a tank top, do I look as creepy, desperate, and delusional as he did? Do people covered in ink, make-up, and more outlandish clothing look any less pathetic? Am I the same as a sloven dentist on a shiny harley? I've so much experience it's hard to have fun - people speak for 20 minutes and they start to look like fish in an aquarium with the light behind them - so transparent I know when they're about to shit. I still, despite my age, fight to live in a world of pretty people who say brilliant things and don't shit.
I've found myself having more spare time and doing less with it.
It's making me unhappy now, so something has to change.
I either need to kick my ass into gear and DO SOMETHING or I need to re-discover pleasure in not doing anything.
Do something or choose to do nothing.
