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Today is a sweet break in work chaos where I do what used to be my job - conducting a hearing to defend the Agency against a raving loon's unsupported allegations of discrimination. My biggest challenge will be trying not to laugh in front of the AJ or promising a win to my client based on overwhelming odds.

I'm back to considering if I should make that dumb jump to mgt. I could make things suck less for the people that work there - but would it suck for me? Imagine taking half as much abuse and life invasion as Obama, only for a GS-15 salary.

Speaking of death, I still have flashes of regret for things I would tell my dad or conversations we might have but won't again. These flashes are followed quickly now by noting my mom is still with me and that I should call her more. Most often I don't - and I need to.

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( Behind this cut is my internal dialog from today's hearing )

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It's so tempting to ... livejournal is the internet, and it is a disease for those who need to take more action to change their lot in life but instead whine for affirmation. I wonder if there are many people who would improve themselves but instead seek (and receive with a selected audience) affirmation - pacifying the need for change with hollow ringing, pinging, scanning, projecting and creating the audience they seek. Watching tv, listening to music, viewing movies with the sound blaring, driving a stupid car to be seen like a mid-teen - escapism, is it the disease or a symptom? Some people would do harm to themselves or others sure, but others would improve their lives or do us all a favor and exit it with no collateral damage.

Here is my sad experience, relate but I'll claim you cannot, and for those sad experiences you've had I'll one-up my feelings over yours. "You cannot know my pain." I admit I have some, have had events which tore me apart at the time, but I'm experienced enough to know if means nothing. Your pain may be worse, I'll admit.

Oh Jacob's ladder was such a lovely mindfuck at the time - tearing you from the things you held in life, if you seek release you see angels, the same things are demons for the things you weren't ready to let go of yet.

I just scanned facebook, having fallen for what appears to be a spam scam of having people use your email to announce they have pictures up "if you'll join facebook." Foolish of me - who doesn't know I'm there? The first of them didn't look like a whore and the unflattering picture looked like a girl I know in Austria...I don't use that silly commercial service facebook - it's more whoreish than this crap, but I have a page. I deleted a friend request, or was it a suggestion, which I had never denied but never accepted - not for months. Why is not important. I am not important. What I feel is even less important.