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Sep. 26th, 2009 10:42 amWow do I have a bad-funk feeling with no origin. I wanted time, time to myself, and now I have it...but I feel like a cranky 9 year old. I don't have energy but I want to do something. I want to do something with someone but nobody I know I want to spend time with right now. I don't want to do any of the things I can think of. I have the time, finally, and...it doesn't seem like enough time and I don't know what to do with it - all the things I want done I don't want to do right now. What a spoiled little fuck I am!
Alcohol didn't feel good, now coffee doesn't feel good. I've had so much coffee my hands are shaking yet I feel tired as hell.
Question for anyone and everyone - how did you make your good friends?
I was a social outcast, mostly of my own ignorance and poor manners I suspect. Somehow being on the outside I think I sought out pre-existing social groups and wondered how I might be in the middle of them - rather than engaging in activities and just being in groups that formed as a byproduct of those exchanges. Said another way - I was looking for the end product of something while I missed the point of what led to that result. Did you ever notice in middle school, or later, that some kids were popular because they were just nice? This is how my club life got started - I saw the crowd at the Roxy and wanted to be a part of it. Over time I ... it sounds odd to say ... I achieved that dream. Of course like all dreams it wasn't what I imagined, in fact it wasn't satisfying as it was a poorly formed and ill-defined dream. I think the best possible night would be...well sex. The problem with the sex thing was...what next? Ok, sex hooray, now what? What conversation, what activity, what next? I probably postponed dealing with what next by dating the polyamorous bisexual blah blah ... where next was always "maybe more or different sexing." Talk about an extended childhood. I have my next now I think and it's good, really good, but then the question goes back to "what next" only in a different realm. If I'm not seeking sex, then what?
My favorite criticism of the male perspective was noticing that in the 5th Element Bruce Willis laments his failed marriage with anger, but forgoes social contact while he hopes for perfection in a mate - a mate he meets who is physically perfect but can't talk to him at all. Of course a real pairing involves a lot of fucking work, work on yourself, work on listening, compromise, work work and work. Of course the "perfect girl" is a fantasy - it's a lazy fantasy of the end product and skipping all the development that leads to it.
What next at work? I have more money and status than I once forecast, and I'm not sure the money is worth the effort and stress. I could step backwards but I don't. Career is an alone venture - I don't like work friends and like work and personal life separation.
The gym? I know you can work out with others - the running and biking clubs look interesting, but the majority of gymification is either cardio alone or lifting weights alone. The goal of my working out was what? The ability to fight and win? Goal achieved but like sex not all it's chalked up to be - a goal that if you reach it is either empty or a giant "so what" when you realize what you achieved. Health? Ok, that's very nice indeed but I work out beyond physical heath needs. The other goal was to be attractive, and now I think I've hit the point where I realize my physique is more of a deterrent than an attracting force. Lucky now that this goal is achieved I don't care about it anymore - not interested in attracting.
I was missing some days with a friend where we were bonding together on our mutual pain while drinking obscene amounts - it felt so very good and I miss that feeling, or do I? Was that feeling just a deep relief at a temporary cessation of pain? I think of the very good friends I've had, and all the fallouts, all the ignored problems, all the flaws that I saw and exhibited myself - yes, I realize I can be a difficult friend to have. I want a friendship without all those flaws - you know, one based on a deep mutual interest in satisfying my own emotional needs - but nothing dysfunctional! You know, perfection, for me, without any work or drawbacks of any kind.
I simultaneously want to spend more time socializing with my friends and want more alone time. I have a lot of friends I really want to catch up with, but nobody I want to talk to right now. Seriously, I want more of both - how can I want things that are literally and inarguably incompatible?
So hello free-floating angst. I think rather than fight it I'm just going to feel it - not wallow, but just see where it goes. I'm listening. What are you trying to tell me?
Alcohol didn't feel good, now coffee doesn't feel good. I've had so much coffee my hands are shaking yet I feel tired as hell.
Question for anyone and everyone - how did you make your good friends?
I was a social outcast, mostly of my own ignorance and poor manners I suspect. Somehow being on the outside I think I sought out pre-existing social groups and wondered how I might be in the middle of them - rather than engaging in activities and just being in groups that formed as a byproduct of those exchanges. Said another way - I was looking for the end product of something while I missed the point of what led to that result. Did you ever notice in middle school, or later, that some kids were popular because they were just nice? This is how my club life got started - I saw the crowd at the Roxy and wanted to be a part of it. Over time I ... it sounds odd to say ... I achieved that dream. Of course like all dreams it wasn't what I imagined, in fact it wasn't satisfying as it was a poorly formed and ill-defined dream. I think the best possible night would be...well sex. The problem with the sex thing was...what next? Ok, sex hooray, now what? What conversation, what activity, what next? I probably postponed dealing with what next by dating the polyamorous bisexual blah blah ... where next was always "maybe more or different sexing." Talk about an extended childhood. I have my next now I think and it's good, really good, but then the question goes back to "what next" only in a different realm. If I'm not seeking sex, then what?
My favorite criticism of the male perspective was noticing that in the 5th Element Bruce Willis laments his failed marriage with anger, but forgoes social contact while he hopes for perfection in a mate - a mate he meets who is physically perfect but can't talk to him at all. Of course a real pairing involves a lot of fucking work, work on yourself, work on listening, compromise, work work and work. Of course the "perfect girl" is a fantasy - it's a lazy fantasy of the end product and skipping all the development that leads to it.
What next at work? I have more money and status than I once forecast, and I'm not sure the money is worth the effort and stress. I could step backwards but I don't. Career is an alone venture - I don't like work friends and like work and personal life separation.
The gym? I know you can work out with others - the running and biking clubs look interesting, but the majority of gymification is either cardio alone or lifting weights alone. The goal of my working out was what? The ability to fight and win? Goal achieved but like sex not all it's chalked up to be - a goal that if you reach it is either empty or a giant "so what" when you realize what you achieved. Health? Ok, that's very nice indeed but I work out beyond physical heath needs. The other goal was to be attractive, and now I think I've hit the point where I realize my physique is more of a deterrent than an attracting force. Lucky now that this goal is achieved I don't care about it anymore - not interested in attracting.
I was missing some days with a friend where we were bonding together on our mutual pain while drinking obscene amounts - it felt so very good and I miss that feeling, or do I? Was that feeling just a deep relief at a temporary cessation of pain? I think of the very good friends I've had, and all the fallouts, all the ignored problems, all the flaws that I saw and exhibited myself - yes, I realize I can be a difficult friend to have. I want a friendship without all those flaws - you know, one based on a deep mutual interest in satisfying my own emotional needs - but nothing dysfunctional! You know, perfection, for me, without any work or drawbacks of any kind.
I simultaneously want to spend more time socializing with my friends and want more alone time. I have a lot of friends I really want to catch up with, but nobody I want to talk to right now. Seriously, I want more of both - how can I want things that are literally and inarguably incompatible?
So hello free-floating angst. I think rather than fight it I'm just going to feel it - not wallow, but just see where it goes. I'm listening. What are you trying to tell me?
