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Apr. 16th, 2009 07:39 pmSomeone is going to find out I don't know what I'm doing or I'm not good at it. I think I've done it...hit the point where effort is not enough. I will fail.
Sat next to a girl that didn't notice I existed on the plane. She wasn't cute. It's just...I think I'm old or plain enough not to matter. She wasn't nervous or laughing at me - eithe meant I existed. I was just not there, a Sir.
This week I found out ...
I had a depo scheduled for the 16th.
I have no memory so I try to write things down...but now I have 3 calendars and even writing things down fails to sync issues. Did I write this here, delete it there, re-post over on the server...
Monday night I worked over 12 hours, grateful I did my gymtime SUn night, and got a late night email, followed by late night phone calls - in which I discovered I had changed the date of my depo from the 16th to the 15th and forgot to adjust all my schedules.
In fact, I think I changed my travel schedule on time but then re-changed it back to the wrong schedule. I sent out an email to get the schedule changed back again,
Then while I was at home packing I realized, or worried, that I never scheduled a court reporter. This is at least the 3rd time I forgot to schedule a fucking court reporter. I do all the other things and forget that.
Real lawyers have admin fuckers who do this shit.
Real lawyers just do law and match facts to legal standards, I think. How the fuck would I know what a real lawyer does.
Sometimes i worry that I'll be laid off, that I'll be attacked and fired. Other times I hope it happens.
I was lucky to have nice folks, and I read the file and prepped the depo on the plane ride which was over 6 hours plus a 3-4 hour layover. I met with the people that night after arriving in the hotel in Portland, OR. My day was 15-17 hours long. I woke up after 4 hours, still on EST and panic time, and prepped for the depo the rest of the morning. I ate b'fast at 6am, prepped more until it was time to go. I arrived an hour early - because I got lost, hoping to be 1.5 hours early (missed a turn, fuck you again google maps for not matching up to the signage).
I guess the details don't matter.
I just keep fucking up.
I keep forgetting thigns.
I keep making mistakes.
Even when I have time, I just don't seem to be getting it. I miss major points, I never seem to be looking at the right legal test, I always am citing different case law...I just don't get it.
I think I'm out of my league sometimes. I know that other laywers suck - I've met a bunch that don't even make deadlines. I know people cut and paste instead of researching - that's probably my worst crime but right now with a huge workload it's all I can do. Do I suck or is 11 cases just too much to do properly? Oh shit, 13 cases.
Tonight I got the word my coworker who is out, who went from 1 to 3 operations, just had a procedure that detected cancer. Even if he manages to come back, I'm stuck with at least half his case load because I worked with him so much. I can't keep up, but now my workload may increase ... double. He had the only other major series of cases, and now I'll be stuck with that.
Do I feel bad for him? He's good to me, but he is bad to others and ... it sucks to have friends who suck. I have a high discomfort level with friends who have friends who suck, though at the same time I realize I have friends who think I have friends who suck. Where is that line between acceptance, social comfort etiquette, and just being a pussy with no standards?
Fucked. Utterly fucked.
And I don't know what the fuck I"m doing.
I always meant to have an easy job, to settle for less just to enjoy life. WOrk to live, not live to work. All I find myself doing is struggling to keep up and only getting away with my idiocy out of sheer luck.
Today I nearly missed my connecting plane because I forgot the huge layover was on the way to the west coast, not both ways. I was eating a sandwich while the plane was boarding - I made the flight as the door was about to close. It was on my sheet, in my bag - all the times.
Why do I make so many mistakes - why can't I keep my shit together? How long until someone notices I"m failing here? Is it a bad thing if I just fail? Maybe I should go out on disability like all these other ticks on the ass of mankind.
In this case, a woman went out with a disability. Her disability was real, but her doctors notes were not - her doctor was a whore for $40 like so many others - the requested accommodation was "No overtime and only day shifts." I busted her on requesting that same thing long before the disability was found.
When her coworkers found out you could beat overtime and night shifts with a disability, out of 8 of them, 3 showed up with "disabilities."
Sat next to a girl that didn't notice I existed on the plane. She wasn't cute. It's just...I think I'm old or plain enough not to matter. She wasn't nervous or laughing at me - eithe meant I existed. I was just not there, a Sir.
This week I found out ...
I had a depo scheduled for the 16th.
I have no memory so I try to write things down...but now I have 3 calendars and even writing things down fails to sync issues. Did I write this here, delete it there, re-post over on the server...
Monday night I worked over 12 hours, grateful I did my gymtime SUn night, and got a late night email, followed by late night phone calls - in which I discovered I had changed the date of my depo from the 16th to the 15th and forgot to adjust all my schedules.
In fact, I think I changed my travel schedule on time but then re-changed it back to the wrong schedule. I sent out an email to get the schedule changed back again,
Then while I was at home packing I realized, or worried, that I never scheduled a court reporter. This is at least the 3rd time I forgot to schedule a fucking court reporter. I do all the other things and forget that.
Real lawyers have admin fuckers who do this shit.
Real lawyers just do law and match facts to legal standards, I think. How the fuck would I know what a real lawyer does.
Sometimes i worry that I'll be laid off, that I'll be attacked and fired. Other times I hope it happens.
I was lucky to have nice folks, and I read the file and prepped the depo on the plane ride which was over 6 hours plus a 3-4 hour layover. I met with the people that night after arriving in the hotel in Portland, OR. My day was 15-17 hours long. I woke up after 4 hours, still on EST and panic time, and prepped for the depo the rest of the morning. I ate b'fast at 6am, prepped more until it was time to go. I arrived an hour early - because I got lost, hoping to be 1.5 hours early (missed a turn, fuck you again google maps for not matching up to the signage).
I guess the details don't matter.
I just keep fucking up.
I keep forgetting thigns.
I keep making mistakes.
Even when I have time, I just don't seem to be getting it. I miss major points, I never seem to be looking at the right legal test, I always am citing different case law...I just don't get it.
I think I'm out of my league sometimes. I know that other laywers suck - I've met a bunch that don't even make deadlines. I know people cut and paste instead of researching - that's probably my worst crime but right now with a huge workload it's all I can do. Do I suck or is 11 cases just too much to do properly? Oh shit, 13 cases.
Tonight I got the word my coworker who is out, who went from 1 to 3 operations, just had a procedure that detected cancer. Even if he manages to come back, I'm stuck with at least half his case load because I worked with him so much. I can't keep up, but now my workload may increase ... double. He had the only other major series of cases, and now I'll be stuck with that.
Do I feel bad for him? He's good to me, but he is bad to others and ... it sucks to have friends who suck. I have a high discomfort level with friends who have friends who suck, though at the same time I realize I have friends who think I have friends who suck. Where is that line between acceptance, social comfort etiquette, and just being a pussy with no standards?
Fucked. Utterly fucked.
And I don't know what the fuck I"m doing.
I always meant to have an easy job, to settle for less just to enjoy life. WOrk to live, not live to work. All I find myself doing is struggling to keep up and only getting away with my idiocy out of sheer luck.
Today I nearly missed my connecting plane because I forgot the huge layover was on the way to the west coast, not both ways. I was eating a sandwich while the plane was boarding - I made the flight as the door was about to close. It was on my sheet, in my bag - all the times.
Why do I make so many mistakes - why can't I keep my shit together? How long until someone notices I"m failing here? Is it a bad thing if I just fail? Maybe I should go out on disability like all these other ticks on the ass of mankind.
In this case, a woman went out with a disability. Her disability was real, but her doctors notes were not - her doctor was a whore for $40 like so many others - the requested accommodation was "No overtime and only day shifts." I busted her on requesting that same thing long before the disability was found.
When her coworkers found out you could beat overtime and night shifts with a disability, out of 8 of them, 3 showed up with "disabilities."
