Happy and morose?

As the permanent accounts went on sale, I decided not to buy one. I can't ignore the fact that my eljay is dying. The same people post the same observations (myself included) that I hardly skim. I rarely get comments, now in person as well. There aren't enough people writing to sustain an interest in writing or reading, and frankly if you're mature enough to write, there is a good chance your life is too dull to write about. How often do you have an interesting observation when a majority of your life is spent working, doing chores related to enabling work, relaxing so you can continue to work, and going out once or twice a week?

Ray Bradbury said that if you don't feel passion in your writing you shouldn't write. I feel as if this navel gazing, this artificial interaction, is not really the level of interaction I want. Still - I love this writing. My writing might be worthless, but it brings me pleasure to write the dumb notes, to link the silly things, and to write the horrible things. I wish more people read it, I wish more people commented, I wish I met people who saw these things and wondered who wrote it (and why) but I have to note the lack of such things historically and note "it aint gonna happen." Still I write - I enjoy this. I smile when I'm writing, when I re-read what I wrote.

My aunt is about to get a 20 year old thank you from me - for she gave me my first journal that inspired me to record life observations in writing. I'm still reading my 13-15 year old impressions of life (for which I can see I expected an audience), and it's awful and painful to look at. It's also educational, and I'm so glad that I have this shame that I can't rewrite in my mind. I know so many more details about the stories I wrote, but I've also forgotten the horrible things and ways I thought. Writing is stronger than memory, more objective.

I don't cut much, but I wrote this - every word (many more deleted).

Pictures make life look more interesting than it is. People too.
I bought a camera to record memories, but I keep forgetting to use it. I'm too busy doing things to take the time to record them, interacting with friends rather than showing them to the electronic abyss - and I have no interest in portraying what I'm doing in any particular light. I see pictures I took, was in, pictures my friends take, for which I was there and know the reality behind...or can easily imagine, and it makes me sad. I don't think the pictures are so much a lie as an unfulfilled hope. The camera is not the only thing beyond arm's length?

I've spent hours scouring black friday ads, only to buy nothing. I didn't want to wait for 3 hours in the parking lot of best buy to save $100 on a laptop computer that will be the same price in 2 months. I didn't stay up until midnight to get that LG 42" 1080 lcd for $700 online. I was staying up, but after falling asleep watching tv I realized that I don't ever watch the tv and squint, lament over the size of the speaker's nose, or long for more tiny dots. That's the nice thing about lusting over electronics - the answer is always the same: Wait, and it will be the price you want to pay. I remember my boxing coach's wall-sized car-priced tv that we gathered to watch, now it's a standard size only for about a grand or 2. I've wanted a laptop and tv for a long time, but as long as I've scouted everything I've wanted has plummeted in price - why ever buy if it'll only be worth half as much in 2 mos?

I can afford a new car, and after noting that the car panel cracked a little as I moved it about, I wonder if this is a good time to sell this one. Sure it's a Honda and can go for 200k more than it has, but plastic ages and this means all rubber seals and sensors could be about to pop at any time. If I get the job in Alex or another job in DC or VA then I won't need the car nearly as much or as often. I have the money, but it took literally decades to accumulate this much. The price would be offset by selling this one, but it's still at least 10 grand. The nice thing about this decision is since settlement isn't until the end of the year there is no reason to buy before the new year (plus car sales die after xmas, so I'd be in the power position for negotiations). THIS is USian - longing for things I already have. The un-USian part is questioning the need and recognizing the question.

I'm happy or sad based on expectations vs. results.
Expectations when unfulfilled make me sad, but then it's time to revisit what I expected, why, what that means, and other perspectives. I don't pretend to know everything so if I find I'm disappointed, more than half the time the "answer" is not to lament what didn't happen, but revisit the underlying assumptions that made up my expectation. I look for patterns - namely in others, but as they reflect on me. I repeat the advice my friend gave to me over ten years ago - she noted that for a person or two you can blame the person - but if you have the same experience with many people, the only consistency is YOU. That's important - when you face YOUr role in the problem, you can start to grow. Similarly you shouldn't rest by taking credit for all your strengths and victories. I try to listen, I try to grow, I try to be strong - and strong enough to back down and listen all over again, to help, even to know when helping includes not helping, and when to accept help. I'm not there yet! Probably never will be! Navel gazing, licking your wounds, masturbating, all have their place - but aren't healthy if they prevent you from growing. If you continue to blame the world around you for your issues, you stagnate.

Never outgrow modesty.

In murky again today - loving it here. Across from me is that smoking hot redhead runner (married) that lives in my area - I said hi, talked briefly, now we're both alone with our laptops. I was lonely for a while, so I overdid it socially, now I'm happy for the time spent with friends but tired of interaction and my throat is tired of talking. I didn't want to be alone at home, but I didn't want to talk to anyone either - so murky is perfect. I'm around people, it feels social even if it isn't, so I'm alone with people - right now that works.
I've been here for 3-4 hours, and she's still here.

Short version of this post - I masturbated, you watched.