(no subject)

Fuck. Me.
That's not a request, it's a comment on how I feel - the fake bravado of someone defeated but who has little choice but to laugh and continue plodding on. Today's hearing was a horrific disaster, to my utter shock. From all the research I performed and was provided my case was a slam dunk, but the other side was able to pull tons of documented instances whch I was promised had not and could not occur, but that was ok. I beat down most of that on cross. What I didn't count on was my key witness completely changing their story on the stand from what they said to me yesterday. Fuck. Me. Coz that person just did.

Left the hearing, talked briefly with my TA to confirm that yes, she screwed up that bad, yes we might need change our tactic and fast, and YES she said something entirely different to both of us yesterday.

In the office I return to the battle of the family of cases I loathe, and the new management member who seems to be on a mission against our branch. We were just told there is a proposal to make us turn in multi-page reports / pretrial briefs on every case we do...more work.

It's times like this I wish I hadn't purchased this 2nd home. I need this fucking job, but with my 2nd arbitration smelling of a not-win (aka 0/2) and war forming in the office, I miss the security I felt so many months ago. If I was in the old place this job wouldn't matter as much, but as it is I can't miss a lot of paychecks.

I technically could go out and drink tonight, but while I'm a fan of the bottle I don't feel like i have time. Tomorrow I'm leaving at 5am to catch my 7am flight. I start up with meetings on this case and the others Thur AM, with meetings with our enemies...I mean upper management...on Fri. I don't mind working, but I feel like more than half the time I'm just trying not to be fired, not to get in trouble - never trying to excel.

Wish I had something to look forward to. I have 3-4 major areas of life, and work has turned into a pile of dung. My gym program is hurt as my back is stil wonky. That's one thing I did on this trip - ate less than my usual way too much, and after the hearing I ran 4 miles. I should have run FROM the hearing. But...the nice thing about the many focus areas of my life is that whenever one is meh there are others that shine. Right now I can't see any shine, and I can't even dull my senses with alcohol because I have too much work to do.

I lose. Sick of losing. Don't see any not-losing in the future.