(no subject)

So I pulled the angry post I made last night, and thank you Ms. Eva - you're ever a sweetie.

I'm sure Tony means well, but isn't making Chronos into Arcadia by adding the bb kids back into the scene...well isn't that kind of like the Brady Bunch's Oliver? Seriously - if things are that bad, just give up. I love that night, but better to go out with dignity than try that same idea that didn't work last time. Alias? Arcadia? Alchemy? Jumped the shark? I'll go as long as they're going on, but good god. Oliver Arcadia, nice to meet you.

Last night I spent a lot of time looking rather than talking, on purpose. When I visited my dad, he was unconscious again. I was informed that he had nearly drowned in his own spit due to negligence / errors of the hospital staff. I wasn't told until I visited in the evening. I stayed there and fell asleep in the chair - he never woke up once while I was there. This is the bad part of the sine wave. I did get a nice comment from him the other day when I was awake and trying to speak - I told him we were worried, well I was worried, that he wouldn't agree with the decisions we made while he was out cold. He assured me he did. It seems for all he's been through, the dumb ass still wants to live, and the cost isn't too high in his mind.

So there I was last night, in the club. You know the part of the movie Jeffery where the dood has just been told that because of his HIV his new love won't be with him for fear of the disease, not even with safe practices? You know how he smiles, says fuck you, then goes into his apartment, puts on the beat music and starts spinning? Spinning and making a couple of moves to try and leave all that negative behind, to try and force positive and dance and spin and just shut out all that negative shit you can't do anything about right now? That's where I was. That's where I was trying to talk dumb, have my drinks while being responsible and not give in to the desire to numb, and all that. Well-meaning people asked me how my dad was doing.

So fuck you for asking.

No, I was nice, swapped subjects, smiled, laughed - but fuck you. Wrote a fuck you post at 1am.

So at coffee this AM it was pointed out to me that I put all this info out there in public, and of course people comment on it, so it's sort of to be expected that people will ask how he is when I make all the ups and downs so public. I agree - that's what I do, and the reaction is utterly reasonable. Hell, it's showing concern and it's not clear what to do in a situation like that.

On the other hand, let me say this - don't ask me how I am. Don't ask how things are. Don't ask how he is. Seriously, just don't ask. Oh, and while we're at it don't ask about the bar or say "I'm sure you passed." I know you mean well, but let me take the ambiguity out of the situation for you - don't ask. Don't, don't, don't, don't fucking ask. If you prefer, DON'T ASK or DON'T FUCKING ASK.
edit - see I'm not mad, I'm just saying...you don't know what to do in a siuation like this - neither do I, but in this case, for this person, the answer is "don't ask." Now you know what to do, and that thing to do is "not ask." Problem solved.

Thank you.

This AM he's back on the machines that breathe for him, comatose again.