Loser with a massive elle

3am, here at dawn...something something something, the guns's still warm...I think I remembered when I made and ate all that cookie dough last night and the subsquent gooey cookies that I may well wake up in the middle of the night. That, and my ass really really hurts.

Yet another conservative anti-sex yahoo (Falwell link) caught with his pants down, wetsuit on, condom-covered dildo up his ass, engaged in auto-erotic asphyxiation with lethal consequences. Krustukles posted it, and I'm linking her post because the comments were so cool. In case it is locked to your view, http://pandagon.blogsome.com/2007/10/09/falwell-colleague-dies-getting-his-autoerotic-rubber-kink-on/

I have to link her post at least in part because of the realization that "squat until your calves touch your thighs" as she explained at http://www.stumptuous.com/ is really what it sounds like. Holy god ow, ow my ass, ow my ass walking like I got me some. I actually had to lower the weight even more to do this after nearly taking a header into the squat rack itself with the weight I was doing mostly to the ground. See, I was getting shin splints again, so I put some more time into leg weights since it would be irresponsible to run another 6 miles that morning. Sigh...I can't do everything I want to do in the gym, even with my new non-law-school lifestyle. I can't box-train, do massive weights, and be a speed & distance runner all at the same time.

I'm back to slightly sad again, as the sine wave of life is my sine wave of mood. I'm feeling like an old man who missed the damn boat. I may feel like a 20 year old, even pass for 20 or 30 depending on the light - but truth is I'm getting to be an old man. Watching my dad still trying to regain basic control of his muscles makes me realize that everything I have gained physically could disappear in a matter of weeks. Never mind my life can end with a bus or a bullet, but my entire health is one itchy mole or 30 day coma away from being wasted. Why isn't mortality so real at 20?

I'm deciding that I'm now describing my age as 50. I've gotten so sick of every stupid old fuck who reacts to any offhand comment I make about my health or training with "that was befor the change, not at my age, you can eat whatever you want, oh if it was for my X problem" with the statement that I am older than they are. I have found that even white-haired fucks shut up when I say I'm older than they are, and they're just puppies. It's just as irrational as what they are saying, only it makes them shut up. Who cares why, just stop making fucking excuses in front of me. I'm trying to rationalize myself out of age.

I never decided not to have kids. I never decided not to settle down. I just sort of wound up here. I always "thought I could do better," or just "let it ride." Where was the line between keeping doors open, and simply failing to commit to anything / anyone and stick with it? A friend recently noted that anyone over 30 who isn't tied down has issues...well I'm totally fucked by that standard, but I'm not sure I disagree with it. If you were a wanted commodity, wouldn't you be being had right now? Even if you were another dull polly slut, you'd still have your principal. Not me.

I've got to stop the hospital tours. I had law school, then when it was over I had the bar. When that was over, it was the daily visit to the hospital. When do I get to have spare time? Will I appreciate it for more than an hour when I get it? Mentioned old Tracks in front of the cute nurse and she was well-familiar - used to go there when she was in HS. Had that part of my brain click on for a second, but nothing is less conducive than being in the hospital with family. Still, funny the reach of that place. I miss tracks, or what I thought tracks was, or what it was to me. Maybe I miss hope with the possibility of outcome.