(no subject)

The internet is boring. I like the internet for communicating with people I know, and on rare occasions meeting people who write interesting-ly. Overall though, I find that people write about inane things and are horribly dull. Of course, I won't turn that critical lens on my own LoJ (LJ + blog, pronounced "Lodge"). I'm just bored with everything from music to pr0n. I pretty much just read my email and do LJ, and I don't have much time for that.

Speaking of boring posts, yesterday I spent another 4 or so hours in the place. Maybe 6. I washed the walls, half-assed sanded doors, frames, and sills, swept up the hell that is paint dust, and started laying out painters tape. The non-blue tape, the brown stuff that is like a long post-it note - suxor if you don't need something that light. Then I laid into the bathroom, bringing more white out of the grout than it has seen in years. I thought I might need to rug the whole thing, buy my work is paying off in whiteness.

People disappoint you. You get used to it. You're never surprised, but always a little wistful that things don't turn out better. Ever feel like a shrink, knowing that with or without you 1/3 of the peolpe you meet get worse, 1/3 stay the same, and 1/3 get better; but despite this knowledge, you continue to try your best to help and be a good person in their lives? Hope is some sort of religion. I hate religion.

My father had his cancer down to two spots in his lung which were to be removed Tues, the chemo survivors. They were worried about how much lung he would lose to remove the tumors, but the idea was that after the surgery he was going to be cancer free - at least for a time. They used semi-noninvasive surgery but still used a chest spreader. He was not looking forward to the experience as the last time they used a chest spreader it took ages to recover. It was worth it for cancer-free, and he's been looking forward to this for years. I don't know more, but they failed to remove one of the two growths for being "in a bad spot." What they didn't see in the xrays and cat scans I can't imagine. Now it's all the suffering and none of the payoff. If they don't have a non-chemo plan, and this would have been the time for it, it'll just be a matter of counting the days.

Am I numb, mature, reasonably reacting to my stressload, or unable to see my own disfunctional defenses? I see friends, the internets, and work people freaking out over what appears trivial to me every day. I've learned to accept that. I do more work than most people, and listen and try to sympathize with how hard it is to go grocery shopping over the weekend. I know they really feel that way. I hear the words I say, and this all seems normal to me. I'm not sure what trauma I couldn't withstand at this point. I'd still go to work, I'd still get groceries and eat, I'd still laugh at jokes. The world will not go or stop because of how I happen to feel today. I need to do my work-work, my schoolwork hasn't gone away, and I have to move into the new place. This week I've handled my sick girlfriend complete with middle-of-the-night trip to the hospital, homework, buying a house, family matters, some serious friend issues involving authorities, and a few other minor issues. I just keep going, taking each in stride and maintaining. I wish I had time to recover, but I don't.