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Jun. 28th, 2005 06:22 amI don't understand - I told myself yesterday I wouldn't go to work today. There is no good reason to go to work except perhaps to save my sick leave. Save it for what? I just want to work, the things I have waiting will keep but I want to do them, even though they can wait, even though I'll probably have no (official) work to do by the end of the week, even though this might make me sick longer? Then again I'll be doing basically the same thing at work I'll be doing here - sitting in front of a computer. I feel better than I did yesterday, so perhaps I'll get well even if I go. Why am I dedicated when I'm applying to other jobs?
On the 4th I really don't need to go out, but I almost certainly will panic at the last minute and go to a club or party. I'm one of them - one of those people that feels obligated. I have tons of work to do and I want to get my paper done before anything else, but when I hear people go by, when I realize that most of the world is out partying, I feel like such a loser to be at home. I hate it when I'm home on a friday or saturday night and I hear people go by laughing and carrying on. I've tried being at home on the 4th - even when I left a party because I just wasn't enjoying it - but the minute the booms start I feel so lame not participating with a group. No one would even know, and I know it wouldn't matter if people did know, but there is still some fear of being that much of a loser. It's hard to describe - it's a feeling that doesn't stand up to any sort of logic and yet survives logic's scrutiny.
Today I research stocks again - I may dump more significant money in the market. I'm thinking of safer things like MMM and FedEx, both secure but took hits recently.
On the 4th I really don't need to go out, but I almost certainly will panic at the last minute and go to a club or party. I'm one of them - one of those people that feels obligated. I have tons of work to do and I want to get my paper done before anything else, but when I hear people go by, when I realize that most of the world is out partying, I feel like such a loser to be at home. I hate it when I'm home on a friday or saturday night and I hear people go by laughing and carrying on. I've tried being at home on the 4th - even when I left a party because I just wasn't enjoying it - but the minute the booms start I feel so lame not participating with a group. No one would even know, and I know it wouldn't matter if people did know, but there is still some fear of being that much of a loser. It's hard to describe - it's a feeling that doesn't stand up to any sort of logic and yet survives logic's scrutiny.
Today I research stocks again - I may dump more significant money in the market. I'm thinking of safer things like MMM and FedEx, both secure but took hits recently.
