(no subject)

I keep doing the right thing for the wrong reason, but figuring out the reason along the way and sticking with the right thing.

I did martial arts, then boxing, because a) I felt threatened and just never got over being picked on, b) when you're socially retarded, being able to escalate a situation seems like a logical skill to have. Almost all the really good martial artists I have known have been socially awkward nerds, to the point I don't think badass looking people are dangerous at all, but when a dork gets serious or angry I treat them with potential-threat respect.

I'm not exaggerating when I say I suck at boxing, but psychologically it has helped me a great deal. That much hitting near bigger guys, in some cases large muscular men, has really calmed me down in terms of perceived threats and how close I can stand to be near them when identified. Being hit repeatedly (lightly) diminishes the fear of being hit. Seeing friends and being friends who spar and win or lose, but don't win or lose face one iota based on their skill but are genuinely respected for trying, also helps some pieces of the psyche.

I feeling of a loss of control is one of the hardest things to recover from. I tend to think that is what hurts most about a rape.

Boxing now makes more sense - I box because I can do more when someone else is giving the commands. I showed up for a cancelled boxing class last week, and tried to do my drills alone. I was bored and gave up after 30 minutes, hitting the weights instead. Boxing is a fun group class, and with it I can get and stay in great shape beyond my ability to motivate myself alone. It is also a time where my mind just shuts down, all my life vanishes for the hour or three I smack leather.

After hitting my weight / body fat goals, I realized I was losing weight and gaining muscle because I wanted attention. I just achieved all the goals I was looking for in terms of hottitude, body fat was lowered and if I haven't just eaten a huge meal I can, in fact, see the outline of my lil 6-pack. It's not even fosters at the bottom anymore. As I reached my goal, I realized that I was hoping if I was just that much more attractive that my romantic worries would be over, that people I found attractive would swoon and all the lack of compatibility issues would vanish. I didn't think of that consciously, if you had asked I would have been honest if I said that was not why I was doing it. I just realized this as I achieved my goal and was faced with "what next?" A horrible reason for a goal, but again learning or relearning another type of discipline and control can't be a bad thing. To a moron, or any guy, it's much easier to look at physical appearance as the reason some people are more "successful" than others. I tend to be wrapped up in appearances, not really understanding people. I see looks, a ranking system, and people who date often appear similar (I even saw the psyc studies finding people marry people that look like them or rank similarly in attractiveness scales - one study asked you to match brother and sister combinations, and it turned out the pictures were all from the engagements section of the paper. People had a high hit rate on who got married because they looked similar). I wonder how many other social morons get wrapped up in looks as the answer - I mock people that think a car makes them friends or impresses people, while I stay too focussed on looks rather than the amazingly stupid and mean shit that flies out of my mouth.

Trying to cover your lack of social skills by polishing the body isn't such a bad thing, but it's not good either. I laugh at unattractive people who try to solicit attention by walking around nearly naked, but only because I remember making that same mistake. How many plain girls mistake themselves for pretty based on drunken club whoring?

Saturday I was aggravated by the normal club, but it wasn't until the middle of the next day (running across a mountain) that I realized I didn't feel threatened in the club. Bored, annoyed, frustrated, out of place...but not threatened. Not embarrassed. For me, that's progress.

My danger was as I learn different group's social rules, which is no small challenge for me and involves a lot of holding back and monitoring, I lose interest. Not sure what I look for, but when I start to make new groups of friends I tend to lose interest. Always seem to want a group of friends (you know, like you did in HS and college before you drifted apart) but never the group I meet. When I know what to do to join, create, or maintain such...it's not worth it.

Being in shape is good, but so is realizing what you want and pursuing it. I sought to be physically strong because I was socially retarded, instead of learning the rules, accepting the trials and failures, and progressing in that area. I sought social skills because I wanted more friends and didn't seem to find I have much in common with anyone. I gained skills, learned things, and became stronger in the process - all good things, but now I'm back to trying to figure out why I wanted those things in the first place.

I love being in a food-rich danger-small society where I have the time to waste worrying about such trivial matters!