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Nov. 8th, 2004 07:30 amI didn't finish my week's homework even though I didn't go out, but I have thursday off from work. I have hit my ceiling in terms of knocking myself out - I'm crispy. And I suck at boxing.
I could easily be a drunk. I look towards alcohol as being able to provide relief. I know the feeling I will feel if I drink, whether with friends, in a club, or at home in front of the computer or TV. People and my life are providing me no such feelings, with no where near such reliability. I haven't drunk much lately, only for lacking the time to do so. The last time I drank was on halloween, and it just made me mad - all the barriers were strained and I had to stop as the release I was feeling was of negative emotions exclusively. Nothing is making the pain subside anymore, not $bling$, not booze, not friends, hell you people are pissing me off - stop being so petty, and booze - I guess I should conclude it's not working either. I almost have relief in the gym, but the endorphins do not make up for seeing everyone larger than me, the fact that while I box better than people that don't that I generally suck more than people that have been there less than half the time as I, and the amounts I lift -while impressive for a lil skinny guy- are not something to brag about compared to the average male. Alcohol and a movie, escapism - moods you can program with simple code. It's probably a good thing I lack the time, for I don't know that I really have the discpline to avoid the short-term release in the name of more responsible long-term behavior. First priority - end the pain.
I think I'm about to give up on recycling. I mean I'm not going to stop, but I no longer think it's a viable way to be environmental. Most smokers throw their cigarettes out the window, most people don't recycle - I'm worrying about people not reusing things, while the bar is much lower. I should be happy with the people that put their trash in a receptacle. I liked the point someone once made to me, noting that it seemed odd to require 500 million people to clean up the messes made by the whopping 25-30 companies making non-biodegradable products. Perhaps the solution is to regulate, to require that all food wrappers be bio-degradable. At least we could build on dumps, or burn the crap for fuel without poisoning the air. Still I rinse and sort.
I've done it again - I'm really fucked up in the head. At least I know it - it's amazing how much misery you can take when you know there is an end. I just wish I thought there was some reason I was doing this to myself. Sure I'm disciplined and all that, but it gets lonely in here. One of my prime motivators is social interaction.
A good quote from my f-list:
if Democrats pander to the middle...they'll just come off as looking like Republican Lite again...I think a polarizing figure like Hillary might be just what the left needs to re-energize their base and provide clear demarcation between the two major parties.
Yes, a good burst of rational liberalism would be nice. I'm sick of fear-based votes. It seems short-term fear trumps social responsibility. Social conservatism blows my mind - it simply makes no sense. I mean I don't like football, but I'm not out to stop if from being played. So, why do people want to regulate who and how I fuck? Is that where they want their tax dollars to go?
I don't even mind fiscal conservatism. Here's a fiscally conservative argument no one will dare make - fuck social security. Why create a system which rewards irresponsible fiscal behavior? What moron doesn't plan for their financial future? I have always known better - when I made $12 an hour, I lived on beans and rice, tweaked my own car (sometimes with duct tape), rented rooms in shitty apts, and wound up with 13k in the bank WHILE paying for and finishing grad school. It's very possible, yet we act as though
1) it's abnormal to expect people to plan for financial crises. Hey, an accident, illness, or injury occurs to most people every 10 years. It's not out of people's control to plan for such things, yet whenever the inevitable happens, the 'victim' cries and begs for handouts as though their irresponsible living from paycheck to paycheck, eating in restaurants and putting the best car they can afford on credit is the only way to live.
2) social security is a retirement program. It's a supplement, and was never meant to be the sole means of support. With that being the case, it's irresponsible the way people treat it as their sole expected source of income, and by not being a full support program the question is easy to raise that it shouldn't exist at all. Financial planning can be forgone, but the consequences should not be. I'm an ant who would happily let the grasshopper starve.
I could easily be a drunk. I look towards alcohol as being able to provide relief. I know the feeling I will feel if I drink, whether with friends, in a club, or at home in front of the computer or TV. People and my life are providing me no such feelings, with no where near such reliability. I haven't drunk much lately, only for lacking the time to do so. The last time I drank was on halloween, and it just made me mad - all the barriers were strained and I had to stop as the release I was feeling was of negative emotions exclusively. Nothing is making the pain subside anymore, not $bling$, not booze, not friends, hell you people are pissing me off - stop being so petty, and booze - I guess I should conclude it's not working either. I almost have relief in the gym, but the endorphins do not make up for seeing everyone larger than me, the fact that while I box better than people that don't that I generally suck more than people that have been there less than half the time as I, and the amounts I lift -while impressive for a lil skinny guy- are not something to brag about compared to the average male. Alcohol and a movie, escapism - moods you can program with simple code. It's probably a good thing I lack the time, for I don't know that I really have the discpline to avoid the short-term release in the name of more responsible long-term behavior. First priority - end the pain.
I think I'm about to give up on recycling. I mean I'm not going to stop, but I no longer think it's a viable way to be environmental. Most smokers throw their cigarettes out the window, most people don't recycle - I'm worrying about people not reusing things, while the bar is much lower. I should be happy with the people that put their trash in a receptacle. I liked the point someone once made to me, noting that it seemed odd to require 500 million people to clean up the messes made by the whopping 25-30 companies making non-biodegradable products. Perhaps the solution is to regulate, to require that all food wrappers be bio-degradable. At least we could build on dumps, or burn the crap for fuel without poisoning the air. Still I rinse and sort.
I've done it again - I'm really fucked up in the head. At least I know it - it's amazing how much misery you can take when you know there is an end. I just wish I thought there was some reason I was doing this to myself. Sure I'm disciplined and all that, but it gets lonely in here. One of my prime motivators is social interaction.
A good quote from my f-list:
if Democrats pander to the middle...they'll just come off as looking like Republican Lite again...I think a polarizing figure like Hillary might be just what the left needs to re-energize their base and provide clear demarcation between the two major parties.
Yes, a good burst of rational liberalism would be nice. I'm sick of fear-based votes. It seems short-term fear trumps social responsibility. Social conservatism blows my mind - it simply makes no sense. I mean I don't like football, but I'm not out to stop if from being played. So, why do people want to regulate who and how I fuck? Is that where they want their tax dollars to go?
I don't even mind fiscal conservatism. Here's a fiscally conservative argument no one will dare make - fuck social security. Why create a system which rewards irresponsible fiscal behavior? What moron doesn't plan for their financial future? I have always known better - when I made $12 an hour, I lived on beans and rice, tweaked my own car (sometimes with duct tape), rented rooms in shitty apts, and wound up with 13k in the bank WHILE paying for and finishing grad school. It's very possible, yet we act as though
1) it's abnormal to expect people to plan for financial crises. Hey, an accident, illness, or injury occurs to most people every 10 years. It's not out of people's control to plan for such things, yet whenever the inevitable happens, the 'victim' cries and begs for handouts as though their irresponsible living from paycheck to paycheck, eating in restaurants and putting the best car they can afford on credit is the only way to live.
2) social security is a retirement program. It's a supplement, and was never meant to be the sole means of support. With that being the case, it's irresponsible the way people treat it as their sole expected source of income, and by not being a full support program the question is easy to raise that it shouldn't exist at all. Financial planning can be forgone, but the consequences should not be. I'm an ant who would happily let the grasshopper starve.
