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Mar. 21st, 2004 09:39 amI keep drinking, waiting for the feeling to come but it just doesn't. There comes a point that I have to realize that the problem is me, not the drink. It doesn't stop me from pouring another glass, only from expecting it to help. It's a good thing I'm only hooked on diet soda, but where is my support group? Where is my claming disability or victim of a disease over which I have no control? Where're my 12 steps? Maybe I should sue the makers of nutra-sweet.
Yesterday I got another reminder that I am from another planet, and I like it there. I was going in to my moot court competition, and my competitor was a nervous wreck. I understand fear of public speaking, but this was only in front of 3 judges, and it's pass/fail! I tried consoling her, telling her I had only started preparing at 8pm the prior night. She was torn up because not only was she practicing for this all week, but it was during march madness (basketball) and "Ohmigod like every day I'm like study, but what about the game!?" I thought she was cute until she opened her mouth. I want to locate the embassy or return home, find people I like. Find people I like who like me back, I should be more specific.
The moot judges noted that I had great poise and was relaxed. Damn right I was relaxed - I gave not a shit about the moot court at all! WHEREFORE I cared not of the exercise that was pass/fail upon my scoring! I would have done much better had I realized that he kept asking me the same question about summary judgment as a matter of law vs. fact, that he wanted a reply argument that included case law. I kept trying to answer his dumbass question on legal theory and return to the case distinctly to discuss cases. All exercises and prepping was about answering specific questions with specific cases, and whenever they had that sort of thing I was dead on. I would have had to quote a minimum of 3 cases...but it didn't matter. I did well anyway, proving it's hard to go wrong when you're a white-guy-in-a-suit (tm).
I'm fighting my prejudice against normal and rich people. I tried not to tear into the very nice girl beside me in contracts who was freaking out about her traffic ticket, who thinks her BMW isn't all that, that doesn't know why people react to the fact that it was a HS graduation present, that people don't believe that she doesn't feel rich, who sticks out like a sore thumb for being tan after spring break, who was in court with an attorney cutting a deal with the DA for her TRAFFIC TICKET. She's a nice girl, who doesn't give a crap about other people's financial standing - she's just nice. My gut turns a little, but isn't disliking someone for being rich just as moronic as disliking someone for being poor? I know better, so someone likes watching sports, so they drive a beamer (BMer?) I need to curb my just deciding these people don't exist the minute they say something that is culturally dissimilar to my views.
A sense of longing is even funnier when you really sit down and think about it, only to discover you don't really know what you want. I'm always working towards something, but what? Is striving for the goal really the goal? I don't know what I want, but at least I don't think SUVs bring happiness.
Yes, I get all angsty when I have to study all weekend. I'm actually pretty proud of the things I am doing, tired, but proud. I wish I was richer, I wish I had more time, I wish I was doing better in law school (but don't want to invest more energy), wish I boxed better, wish I was in better cardio shape, wish I could bench 2 plates...but damnit I'm doing ok in law school while working full-time in a well-paying job that I enjoy, and still maintaining 3 multi-hour gym workouts a week. I didn't know I had it in me. Not bad! Oh wait, does looking at my achievements just show fundamental insecurities and overcompensation? Aigh! Mock mock mock
Lisa stopped by and fed me last night. Simple logic, you have to eat and it won't take any longer if I bring something over. Fucking cool! Lisa r0x04!
Yesterday I got another reminder that I am from another planet, and I like it there. I was going in to my moot court competition, and my competitor was a nervous wreck. I understand fear of public speaking, but this was only in front of 3 judges, and it's pass/fail! I tried consoling her, telling her I had only started preparing at 8pm the prior night. She was torn up because not only was she practicing for this all week, but it was during march madness (basketball) and "Ohmigod like every day I'm like study, but what about the game!?" I thought she was cute until she opened her mouth. I want to locate the embassy or return home, find people I like. Find people I like who like me back, I should be more specific.
The moot judges noted that I had great poise and was relaxed. Damn right I was relaxed - I gave not a shit about the moot court at all! WHEREFORE I cared not of the exercise that was pass/fail upon my scoring! I would have done much better had I realized that he kept asking me the same question about summary judgment as a matter of law vs. fact, that he wanted a reply argument that included case law. I kept trying to answer his dumbass question on legal theory and return to the case distinctly to discuss cases. All exercises and prepping was about answering specific questions with specific cases, and whenever they had that sort of thing I was dead on. I would have had to quote a minimum of 3 cases...but it didn't matter. I did well anyway, proving it's hard to go wrong when you're a white-guy-in-a-suit (tm).
I'm fighting my prejudice against normal and rich people. I tried not to tear into the very nice girl beside me in contracts who was freaking out about her traffic ticket, who thinks her BMW isn't all that, that doesn't know why people react to the fact that it was a HS graduation present, that people don't believe that she doesn't feel rich, who sticks out like a sore thumb for being tan after spring break, who was in court with an attorney cutting a deal with the DA for her TRAFFIC TICKET. She's a nice girl, who doesn't give a crap about other people's financial standing - she's just nice. My gut turns a little, but isn't disliking someone for being rich just as moronic as disliking someone for being poor? I know better, so someone likes watching sports, so they drive a beamer (BMer?) I need to curb my just deciding these people don't exist the minute they say something that is culturally dissimilar to my views.
A sense of longing is even funnier when you really sit down and think about it, only to discover you don't really know what you want. I'm always working towards something, but what? Is striving for the goal really the goal? I don't know what I want, but at least I don't think SUVs bring happiness.
Yes, I get all angsty when I have to study all weekend. I'm actually pretty proud of the things I am doing, tired, but proud. I wish I was richer, I wish I had more time, I wish I was doing better in law school (but don't want to invest more energy), wish I boxed better, wish I was in better cardio shape, wish I could bench 2 plates...but damnit I'm doing ok in law school while working full-time in a well-paying job that I enjoy, and still maintaining 3 multi-hour gym workouts a week. I didn't know I had it in me. Not bad! Oh wait, does looking at my achievements just show fundamental insecurities and overcompensation? Aigh! Mock mock mock
Lisa stopped by and fed me last night. Simple logic, you have to eat and it won't take any longer if I bring something over. Fucking cool! Lisa r0x04!
