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Nov. 18th, 2003 07:47 amI had a sadgasm. This weekend I bottomed out with anger, frustration, frustration, frustration, anger, self-pity and the like. I can fake positive comments and thoughts for only so long. It's an act. It's a cop-out - negativity is force, it builds, it comforts, it achieves. I'm sad - no matter what I have there is always something more I want, and what I have is not relevant. This weekend I would have been bad company but I hid from people. I could not fake positive thought, I could not fake a smile, I could not stand another fucking lecture about how I'm not really failing. Come to think of it, why fake positive for other people? I'm sick of casting faces and acting. I'm too good to have to change for people - fuck them if they don't value what I am.
Fuck all that - I'm negative, if that drives people away then so be it. If it drives everyone away then I'll just give in to generalized frustration and get a high-powered rifle or perhaps blow some shit up. Like a wife-beater, if I can't have it then no one can, even if 'it' is life. Grr!
No really, I have been feeling like hell, but rather than fight it and try to distract and avoid the negativity, I embraced it full-force. I let the patterns go, felt miserable, ran through circles of logic that didn't go anywhere, and peaked. I think I had a sadgasm. I'm not sad anymore. I'm not as stressed. When I have time I'm going to do a long drawn out post about what a loser I am. Yay.
I get upset, frustrated, then angry. I quit. I'm a quitter. I quit over and over again, but each time I return. I don't decide to return, I don't quit thinking I will return, I just do. I even quit at quitting.
When I bottomed out I was playing a vinyl Police album...Outlandos D'Amour...now I have a generally positive mood but the Police songs are playing over and over in my mind. No time at all. No time this time. It's like a reminder that the good feelings are only floating on the reality beneath. Hell, even listening to the Police I'm yelling "Well you're going on a date with her, fuck you for whining about your feelings. Work out your awkward teenage bullshit, I don't want to fucking hear it...(playing the 20 year old vinyl album)
but if they take my stapler I'm going to set the building on fire.
Fuck all that - I'm negative, if that drives people away then so be it. If it drives everyone away then I'll just give in to generalized frustration and get a high-powered rifle or perhaps blow some shit up. Like a wife-beater, if I can't have it then no one can, even if 'it' is life. Grr!
No really, I have been feeling like hell, but rather than fight it and try to distract and avoid the negativity, I embraced it full-force. I let the patterns go, felt miserable, ran through circles of logic that didn't go anywhere, and peaked. I think I had a sadgasm. I'm not sad anymore. I'm not as stressed. When I have time I'm going to do a long drawn out post about what a loser I am. Yay.
I get upset, frustrated, then angry. I quit. I'm a quitter. I quit over and over again, but each time I return. I don't decide to return, I don't quit thinking I will return, I just do. I even quit at quitting.
When I bottomed out I was playing a vinyl Police album...Outlandos D'Amour...now I have a generally positive mood but the Police songs are playing over and over in my mind. No time at all. No time this time. It's like a reminder that the good feelings are only floating on the reality beneath. Hell, even listening to the Police I'm yelling "Well you're going on a date with her, fuck you for whining about your feelings. Work out your awkward teenage bullshit, I don't want to fucking hear it...(playing the 20 year old vinyl album)
but if they take my stapler I'm going to set the building on fire.
