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Nov. 25th, 2003 07:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vicarzLast night I called a friend who needed to talk. I wasn’t sure, took a guess as I’ve never understood someone so very distant in action but close in word, but for once I was right. It was odd helping someone else when I feel so fucked up. Their humility was a breath of relief - nice to see your friends learning, growing, and evolving too. Yes, you're human. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it’s much better than that strong show you used to put on. Yes, that was obvious and annoying. No, I didn’t hate you - I just liked you better when you dropped the act. All of them.
It's hard to listen to anyone without interjecting, harder when you disagree with their conclusions. Fun when you realize that no matter what you say they return to the same path, and realize they need to go down that path so you might as well let them. Funny how they need someone else for them to work their way through their monologue, how an audience is necessary for them to think their way through. Eventually they said the same things I would have showed them anyway - though it was entertaining in a slightly schadenfreude kind of way.
Talking wouldn't help me - I'm just annoyed because I'm stressed. I'm the source of my pain, I control it, I know what steps it would take to alleviate it but I won't do that. It's nothing deep, just being lonely as I'm always working or in school. Identified angst isn't much to talk about.
Well no I take that back. I’m annoyed with people, as always. It’s just plain that any steps to fix issues with people would take time I lack. I do find one thing too annoying to stay silent about, that being myself, my real self, drives people away. I get angry. I express anger. I feel close to people, and express that. That also drives people away. It’s like I can have all the friends in the world so long as I stay within those cute little confines of nearly office acceptable behavior, but those friends don’t mean a thing. If you say you like someone or care that they’re there - off they go, that’s creepy. If you say you can’t stand your friend’s friend, off they go. Emotions are only supposed to exist in the general sense, I hate that tv character, I feel strongly about this issue that doesn’t affect us, ohmigod this song is so cool. False commonalities, weak associations. My enemies enemy.
The only thing I care about is being liked for who I am, flaws and all. It’s what I want, but at the same time I don’t give it so it seems unreasonable to expect it in return. The real punch line is that I am offerred this sometimes, but usually from people I don't want it from. I'd like to introduce you to a big part of the problem: Self, meet self.
I try not to talk to people. I’m lonely from all the solo time trying to work/school, and when I do talk to someone I’m holding back a tidal-wave of blah blah blah about anything at all since I don’t get to talk to people much anymore. If I didn’t control myself I’d totally dump on anyone that would listen, but I hate that crap so I’m constantly monitoring myself to make sure I hold it all in. Yay, that sounds healthy.
It's hard to listen to anyone without interjecting, harder when you disagree with their conclusions. Fun when you realize that no matter what you say they return to the same path, and realize they need to go down that path so you might as well let them. Funny how they need someone else for them to work their way through their monologue, how an audience is necessary for them to think their way through. Eventually they said the same things I would have showed them anyway - though it was entertaining in a slightly schadenfreude kind of way.
Talking wouldn't help me - I'm just annoyed because I'm stressed. I'm the source of my pain, I control it, I know what steps it would take to alleviate it but I won't do that. It's nothing deep, just being lonely as I'm always working or in school. Identified angst isn't much to talk about.
Well no I take that back. I’m annoyed with people, as always. It’s just plain that any steps to fix issues with people would take time I lack. I do find one thing too annoying to stay silent about, that being myself, my real self, drives people away. I get angry. I express anger. I feel close to people, and express that. That also drives people away. It’s like I can have all the friends in the world so long as I stay within those cute little confines of nearly office acceptable behavior, but those friends don’t mean a thing. If you say you like someone or care that they’re there - off they go, that’s creepy. If you say you can’t stand your friend’s friend, off they go. Emotions are only supposed to exist in the general sense, I hate that tv character, I feel strongly about this issue that doesn’t affect us, ohmigod this song is so cool. False commonalities, weak associations. My enemies enemy.
The only thing I care about is being liked for who I am, flaws and all. It’s what I want, but at the same time I don’t give it so it seems unreasonable to expect it in return. The real punch line is that I am offerred this sometimes, but usually from people I don't want it from. I'd like to introduce you to a big part of the problem: Self, meet self.
I try not to talk to people. I’m lonely from all the solo time trying to work/school, and when I do talk to someone I’m holding back a tidal-wave of blah blah blah about anything at all since I don’t get to talk to people much anymore. If I didn’t control myself I’d totally dump on anyone that would listen, but I hate that crap so I’m constantly monitoring myself to make sure I hold it all in. Yay, that sounds healthy.
