Emotional pain fetishist.
Dec. 18th, 2014 07:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vicarzToday I have to work, a curse and a blessing. I'm dealing with a lot of private issues now, mine and others'. I'm also juggling people and things that are important to me, valuable to me and others, with mutual respects?
Observation: I trust pain.
When I think of emotional connections I've had in the past, I look to the pain we went through. I remember cries, sobs, shaking bodies, words lost utterly in delivery, and the strength of people carrying on anyway. I respect strength and am drawn to it.
Who's to say that same strength couldn't be found in happiness? Am I gravitating towards pain because it's valuable to experience how people work through it, or is it more real than happy? Maybe working past pain is a more valuable skill? Where is the split between evasiveness and moving on when pain itself no longer serves a productive purpose?
I feel alive right now, very alive, but it hurts. Granted, I know well enough this alive pain feels less horrible than the lack of pain when I feel like I don't exist or matter, but I don't know that I can keep going on with the roller coaster / sine wave even if it's largely of my own creation.
Observation: I trust pain.
When I think of emotional connections I've had in the past, I look to the pain we went through. I remember cries, sobs, shaking bodies, words lost utterly in delivery, and the strength of people carrying on anyway. I respect strength and am drawn to it.
Who's to say that same strength couldn't be found in happiness? Am I gravitating towards pain because it's valuable to experience how people work through it, or is it more real than happy? Maybe working past pain is a more valuable skill? Where is the split between evasiveness and moving on when pain itself no longer serves a productive purpose?
I feel alive right now, very alive, but it hurts. Granted, I know well enough this alive pain feels less horrible than the lack of pain when I feel like I don't exist or matter, but I don't know that I can keep going on with the roller coaster / sine wave even if it's largely of my own creation.
