Depression?
Aug. 9th, 2014 09:23 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vicarzNo, no it's too easy to feel sorry for myself, to feel sad. This free-floating always tired crap; it's easy to look for a reason, to cushion with some special problem or status. Sad feels important. Trying to work through it makes me feel like just somebody, being miserable with my huge emotions and feelings, as if they matter, is compelling and unhealthy. I could get drunk - I could feel sorry for myself.
Why am I lifting weights? It's a solo activity, and while I have some neat visual results from it, I'm constantly tired and sore. It hurts and can only be done with specialized equipment. I could do any other activity and be far more social and energized. I miss boxing really bad, but all my attempts to parlay that social atmosphere into friendships (or dates) failed. People were nice enough in class, I made friends but they were like work friends - never doing more than a happy hour or a couple parties. It wasn't just me I think - the group fell apart. But you can run or hike anywhere, and there are always groups doing that. Hiking is as date-inducing as kickball leagues. The runners have groups and clubs, and again you know what you look like. I wonder if volleyball is also date fodder? You get to see each other "naked." I wonder what it's like to try and date when you can't see someone's physique.
Yesterday I rested - I have no reason to be tired, but I rested all day. I left the house once to take out trash & recycling. I watched tv. I played my old old old video game. I watched really bad really stupid tv (oh Levar, how far you fell?) 2 naps and 10 hours of sleep later, I still felt tired.
-I shouldn't be travel or work tired. I spent the weekend there, slept tons. Perhaps I didn't eat well, but I was not very stressed and cannot imagine a more restful work trip. Some lag I can imagine, but what is going on now seems unusual.
Forced myself up, got coffee not-at-my-house. The barista is friendly, not my friend.
I'm slow. I spent about 10 years "getting into the goth scene," and about another 10 years sinking into the idea that "it's over." I'm sick of the remnants of the scene, filled by wholly unfit folks even more autistic / socially retarded than I am. Good thing I'm nice and consistent, as my social skills...but again, referring to my poor social skills as something set in place is more wallowing.
I can do something, anything. I have a hard time committing to anything, including course of actions. In fact my ... my entire life is coasting, working hard and well perhaps, but stuck in a mildly unpleasant situation I'm scared to leave. Trapped in comfortable, but not even taking the positive security of it as I constantly want more.
Issue: lack of action.
Plan: learn to take actions.
Method: Unknown.
Action item: talk to friends. More, and not about the same shit you already lament to them about. Listen to your friends and don't lapse into explaining why their advice is not for you. Even if it isn't, explore the logic of their advice - perhaps in understanding the logic, if it really isn't for you and you're not being a stubborn shit, you can find the logical conclusion of their advice that is for you.
Action item #2: keep up the thinking without wallowing. If you're sad you're fucking sad but don't wallow. Get up. Walk. Don't masturbate with depression.
Action item #3: make fucking eye contact. With everyone. Keep that up. Eyes, people have them, politely explore this world of people. Mammals are social. You have no hair. Be a mammal. Make eye contact.
I should do something.
Took 2 large iced coffees, other people's dogs, other people's kids, and a long walk, to get me to write this.
Why am I lifting weights? It's a solo activity, and while I have some neat visual results from it, I'm constantly tired and sore. It hurts and can only be done with specialized equipment. I could do any other activity and be far more social and energized. I miss boxing really bad, but all my attempts to parlay that social atmosphere into friendships (or dates) failed. People were nice enough in class, I made friends but they were like work friends - never doing more than a happy hour or a couple parties. It wasn't just me I think - the group fell apart. But you can run or hike anywhere, and there are always groups doing that. Hiking is as date-inducing as kickball leagues. The runners have groups and clubs, and again you know what you look like. I wonder if volleyball is also date fodder? You get to see each other "naked." I wonder what it's like to try and date when you can't see someone's physique.
Yesterday I rested - I have no reason to be tired, but I rested all day. I left the house once to take out trash & recycling. I watched tv. I played my old old old video game. I watched really bad really stupid tv (oh Levar, how far you fell?) 2 naps and 10 hours of sleep later, I still felt tired.
-I shouldn't be travel or work tired. I spent the weekend there, slept tons. Perhaps I didn't eat well, but I was not very stressed and cannot imagine a more restful work trip. Some lag I can imagine, but what is going on now seems unusual.
Forced myself up, got coffee not-at-my-house. The barista is friendly, not my friend.
I'm slow. I spent about 10 years "getting into the goth scene," and about another 10 years sinking into the idea that "it's over." I'm sick of the remnants of the scene, filled by wholly unfit folks even more autistic / socially retarded than I am. Good thing I'm nice and consistent, as my social skills...but again, referring to my poor social skills as something set in place is more wallowing.
I can do something, anything. I have a hard time committing to anything, including course of actions. In fact my ... my entire life is coasting, working hard and well perhaps, but stuck in a mildly unpleasant situation I'm scared to leave. Trapped in comfortable, but not even taking the positive security of it as I constantly want more.
Issue: lack of action.
Plan: learn to take actions.
Method: Unknown.
Action item: talk to friends. More, and not about the same shit you already lament to them about. Listen to your friends and don't lapse into explaining why their advice is not for you. Even if it isn't, explore the logic of their advice - perhaps in understanding the logic, if it really isn't for you and you're not being a stubborn shit, you can find the logical conclusion of their advice that is for you.
Action item #2: keep up the thinking without wallowing. If you're sad you're fucking sad but don't wallow. Get up. Walk. Don't masturbate with depression.
Action item #3: make fucking eye contact. With everyone. Keep that up. Eyes, people have them, politely explore this world of people. Mammals are social. You have no hair. Be a mammal. Make eye contact.
I should do something.
Took 2 large iced coffees, other people's dogs, other people's kids, and a long walk, to get me to write this.
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no subject
Date: 2014-08-11 05:47 am (UTC)The attitude of working out being date-fodder reminds me of my least favourite person in my city. He's regarded as the most desperate and socially retarded of the bunch (hence him being my least favourite person). Is it not enough to work out for yourself? Could you find an activity that doesn't cause you pain? Or is the pain what you're seeking?
My aunt watches a lot of bad TV, so I end up seeing a bunch of bad TV. Dr. Phil was on the other day and I was reminded of a time years ago that I was chatting with a non-friend housemate. He was gorgeous and troubled and had experienced loss and was an artist and smart so I had a crush. But he liked no one, save for our landlord/mutual friend/housemate; that was part of his deal. He cut me off in this conversation, the details of which I don't remember, and said, "Don't Dr. Phil me, Sarah." /potentiallyrelatedanecdotetakeofitwhatyouwill
no subject
Date: 2014-08-11 05:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-08-18 01:40 am (UTC)I think what you wrote is good. Awareness is a start. Articulating is a start. There has to be an activity that is social or potentially so, gives you endorphins, and doesn't cause you pain. How are you about water? My game plan to deal very similar issues is to swim as much as I can this fall/winter/spring so that next year I am VERY confident in the water and will not be afraid to take my SUP board to as-yet-unknown lakes, etc., and engage with other people who use them.
I'm not experiencing quite the same pain issues in the gym as you are (I suspect you train(ed) a lot harder than I have been since my surgery) so I want to keep doing that, too.
I like the eye contact one. I know I am not great with that.
no subject
Date: 2014-08-18 09:36 am (UTC)It's funny - only in my 20s did I first discover the concept of social skills as...skills that could be learned or improved. It was an important lesson.
no subject
Date: 2014-08-18 02:08 pm (UTC)