Is it finally melting?

Flailing perhaps - often the retardation cycle is that I am frustrated with my lack of satisfaction in social interaction, and I fluctuate with how I can change that with fuckit force. This could mean one of those psycho mall-shooting tirades (tech) or learning more martial arts / getting stronger. So, for me working out is a byproduct of being socially retarded and not tall or attractive enough to get away with the lack of social skill, and not depressed enough to kill a bunch of people including myself. Comparatively it's healthy - or even the homicidal rantings are just pathetic pleas for attention. So the goal is changed to just strength, and it's called healthy.

Too much caffeine, rambly. Yes I clearly have ambition, though it's not always well-formed. There is drive, and I take the time every so often to give that drive some direction and I often get results for my efforts. I'm just never satisfied with the results, and perhaps more frustrated for trying so hard as opposed to just being frustrated with no effort. Can't fail if you don't try.
Alone just leads to pain - grow has nothing to do with it. I appreciate you trying to read it, but I feel something is being lost in the translation.