vicarz: (Default)
2017-09-16 07:29 am
Entry tags:

(no subject)

I've abandoned blogging pretty much, and reading blogs.

I feel more busy than I am. I acquired an attorney who advised not posting in social media about the home, and ... it's not resolved.
vicarz: (Default)
2017-07-19 03:59 pm

(no subject)

I've told more than one former crush that they were a former crush - not in so many words. So far each time it seems to have gone over well. We're talking about telling married people with kids here! I'm also tied down, so it's not on the skeevy level (though in my crowds those are often options). It's just fun, especially as I find that they were just as awkward and insecure as I was.

I feel like I"m comfortable in my own skin, but some of that is the realization that I live in a different world. I am either muscular enough or look confident enough without reason that people leave me alone. Or I'm just too old to fuck with for manpoints. Whatever it is, I compare it to life when my friend when from flubby to thin - you go to the same places and see the same people but are treated completely differently. You don't forget, but over time your expectations do change.
vicarz: (Default)
2017-07-06 07:03 am
Entry tags:

(no subject)

Is it bad that when I post I note I don't post anymore? It's just when I finally do, I'm stunned at how things have changed. I'm still crazy, in the sense that my emotions do not seem reasonably supported by circumstances, but they change my behavior far less than they used to, and I'm usually comfortable or just plan happy. I seem life functional so while I always like to improve, things seem good today.

Except for my perpetual state of first-world homelessness.

House update:
Contractor has gone radio silent, and with some nudging I issued an ultimatum/deadline which expired. I'm now waiting for the lawyer to contact me and start action. I had 6-8 people look at the job, but only 3 provided bids. I may not be able to afford both the bid-prices for the work and legal action.

The house issues are the constant source of relationship tension, that and how I get defensive when she is more driven than I am for action. I took the time to count how much money I lost in lost rent, but the emotional toll is immeasurable. I can't believe how incredibly I fucked this whole thing up.

Gym:
Nothing exciting. I've gone from plain 5-3-1 to the big but boring reps game. I'm likely about to reset as I'm plateauing on squats and DL. Sadly this is only about my old weights, but I've been pushing myself for a long time. I watch form videos and read articles more than I used to.

I also look at old people and read a bit more about aging. I might be able to lift longer, but it's possible I'll lose the ability at some point. Running or other cardio work is an option, and probably healthier in many ways, but right now this is fun and working for me.

Oddly lifting is not social. You do it alone - also like running. But I tried for years to be social with boxing, and it went nowhere. Some people parlay athleticism into friends, but I have not been able to do that. However, I seem to appear muscular, and am still confident, so I have an easier time in casual social engagements from near-altercations on public transportation, to the reaction when I'm nice or smiling at people. I used to wonder how much of my interactions were based on my hair - now my shoulders. Meh.
vicarz: (Default)
2017-05-28 07:04 am
Entry tags:

Robbed not at gunpoint

I guess I should share this here, but I don't feel like writing about it except in blurbs.

April 21 my contractor texted me and asked me to renew the building permit. I did.
May 12 or so was the last time Jordan texted me.

Friday evening I decided to call to nag over the holiday weekend, as he was allegedly just getting inspections performed. His number was disconnected. I emailed. Then in a coincidence, I was cleaning up my email when I ran into the daily popville where I saw an article, the type you see all the time "LeDroit Park Red Hot Real Estate – Sold in 2 days. No parking. For more than 10% above the list price"
It was Jordan's home.
I rechecked on redfin,
https://www.redfin.com/DC/Washington/400-U-St-NW-20001/home/10045967
Bought in 2009 for 440k, sold 1.425 mil on May 23.
That home is also his business address. He hasn't responded to email.

I looked downstairs, and he removed his welder - the last tool he had here. He split town entirely - took the money and ran.
I have a friend who paid him a deposit, big one, and he hasn't been paid back either.

I called the lawyer previously consulted with as this is a change. Possibly this is a good change, as we already checked the property for liens and he had none current but the mortgage (he had previous liens from the water company, since paid). It was after 5 on a holiday weekend, so I left an embarrassingly too long voice mail and noted I would not be expecting a holiday weekend email (though on 2nd thought, lawyers probably work Memorial day). So the guy has demonstrably abandoned the job, and LLC company, so it might be easier to pursue him legally and he's got money to pursue. I might be able to get a freeze put on his accounts. This might make settlement easy, particularly if he has money and wants to avoid legal battles - if not, I face a mountain of legal bills if I pursue the issue with no guarantee of prevailing.

I anticipate talking to the lawyer Mon or Tues.

But I wrote about some of those details in fb. I got my hugs - and frankly advice from friends including possible contractor leads.

I have a mountain of work to do - my not-stress life, where I was just annoyed at waiting for the contractor to do his thing and how much clean-up there would be, whether I'd have to pay him more...now I have to choose what I can do, what i pay for, bid contractors, research them, and learn what a construction contract should be.
(unless I use the less professional guy who my direct neighbor swears by, a valid option but I won't be paying up front you see)

Now I'm left with feelings. How many times did I cook my own beans and rice to save money? He drove a new mini-4-door. His house was gorgeous, though he renovated it himself. I went to college, I worked the same job, I sunk money away and didn't eat out, I drive my old car - the one with the damage on the side that was salvage-valued on the title...all just to lose tens of thousands of dollars.

And it makes no sense. Weeks ago he was working. The top is nearly done, with 800 minor things that need doing and only "major" issues like final inspection, drywalling closets, a laundry closet door...
the wrecked fence and backyard that is a debris-strewn mess of clay and rocks and weeds
MOST of the work was done. The demolition was done, the digout done, plumbing inspected (when it was the whole house), most inspections and work done on the basement...just ...

I got an estimate from a reputable contractor, ROUGH and noncommittal, 50k to finish the basement.
Another 50k to finish the top.
This does not include the fact asshat left railings missing from the top and bottom porch.

I paid for so many materials, never mind work. The basement kitchen cabinets are paid for. But he did tile the floor and bathroom (if the framing will pass inspection - could it all be wasted?)

I have the money...if I pull it from my retirement.

I have to re-bid the work. The permits are in his name and the name of strangers, electricians and plumbers who lend their name out to have others do the work.

This person cleared a fucking million dollars and left me with this. I did nothing wrong. I have been robbed - if he had held a gun in an alley he could go to jail, but like American Greed porn he can likely just walk.

I don't feel like playing my rabidly addicted video games. I can't sleep, but I'm too tired to do anything. I rest and my mind returns to all the things that were supposed to happen, how much I've lost, all I have left to do, the godonlyknows mysteries that inspections will bring, questions like will I need a sprinkler system if they restart code etc.

and that's why I'm writing. I can say it over and over, I could organize it into something coherent but instead it's just spaghetti of nonproductive thoughts keeping me up. My gf wants to do something fun today, I want to stare at the dirt yard. Now my head is full of all the things I paid for, MATERIALS that aren't here, and this guy running around being irresponsible with my money - skipping town.

There are a ton of things he ruined and left half-broken or done that I'm stuck with. He was going to build a deck, so he removed the metal railing from the existing one - and the stairs from the top, so I have unsafe decks. He dug and placed wood posts for the fence he broke but didn't rebuild, and the deck that isn't there - that I paid him a grand for fake-wood upgrades on materials. The front door is hanging there as he removed all the trim to measure for a replacement. I tucked insulation around it as you could see and feel the air where the trim was pulled. I walk on boards to cross the yard of dirt that used to be a lawn and plants but he buried in dirt he never removed.

Then snippets of what a fool I am. I got my law-thing, but didn't have a good contract. I paid too much so he had no incentive and I lost more than the pending work. I could have paid for the lottery or IRS scam for this kind of idiocy. I paid someone else to help me bid the work, and as a control for quality, and here I am anyway. This was all avoidable. I did try to get an architect to bid on the work but the one recommended firm declined to bid on my work, and I thought i could just to go the contractor thinking I knew what i wanted. All the mistakes I made in an area I had no expertise.

I can't stop thinking about it. I could shove it aside and just deal on Monday or Tuesday when I hear from the lawyer. I did sell stocks and have a bunch of cash ready to go on this reboot, and who knows I may be able to have him criminally prosecuted, settle the civil suit...and I can't doa fucking thing now. I have to wait for the lawyer.
(well I did file a complaint, online, at DCRA)
but I can't stop thinking. I feel sick, spinning in circles of thought, unable to sleep.

I don't think writing this out helped.
vicarz: (Default)
2017-05-16 08:49 am

I think I quit

The urge to fix this is going down. Politics...won't harm me unless we go to war. I'm trying to save people who are fighting those efforts. I'm weary of trying to do the right thing.

Why is the cat moving his bowls again? I should move the rug so it won't get wet again.

I quit. I can see how much good I would be able to do in a management role either in this group or in my old employee relations haunt. That's the best reason to get a promotion - because you see a good you could do, you're well suited for it, and willing. But willing is waning.

I'm deciding not to go to OGC, even if I'm just working like one of the last coal miners in PA / one of the last workers on the US car assembly line in between robots.

I've positioned myself for years to be able to make the jump to the private sector. It pays more money but has more insecurity and longer hours (or can, I hear some firms are more flexible).

No, I don't care. God forbid I ever get my housing situation finished - but I'm tired. I'm tired of living between 2 houses. I'm tired of coordinating where when every day. I'm tired of helping people. I'm tired of fixing.

I'm not even taking the time to flush out why - not right now. I'm just noting that my goals are...waning. Hell my body and eyesight are waning. No, I just want to bask in the product of my scrimping and saving, working and slaving, for the decades of my life that got me here. I'd take more sure, but I'm not willing to work for it.
vicarz: (Default)
2017-05-12 08:41 am

eljay

So eljay informed me some time ago my account was extended to Nov. However, they just tried to process a payment today (which was the original autopay day). I thought the notice of extension meant no payment...luckily the payment bounced (probably due to an un-updated expiration date).

I tried to find my cc information on the website but could not. I'd like that shit gone although I'm sure the russian gov/hackers/mafia already sell it on the darkweb or whatever it's called.

I'm happily at home with the cat. He's happily ignoring me.
vicarz: (Default)
2017-04-27 05:04 pm

Old school

Oddly when I arrived home from picking up a package
at the most run down Best Buy I've ever seen
there was a package on my porch. It was strategically placed behind my porch brick pillar, but I didn't recall ordering anything. It wasn't my name and but it was my address...only on 10th Street.

I tried to look up the phone / name online, but nothing came up.

I walked the package over and it was an old row house like mine. It was beside a renovated place with a gas light burning in a lantern outside. It was so old the vestibule was still there and mostly still tiled, with a storm door on the outside. It smelled of dog and cigarettes.

I knocked. Tiny yipper dogs barked for a long time before an old black woman opened the door. She must have looked through the peephole first, right? I was still dressed from the gym. I showed her the package and she confirmed her address - but it wasn't her or her package. However, then she said "Wait a minute, I'll be that's my granddaughter...she's always ordering things here for other people..." So she picked up her land-line phone (cordless!) and called her. She invited me in !?

To the dismay of one and joy of the other dog I stood in the hallway and closed the door behind me. I looked the place over - and it was everything I ever wanted in a grandma house. The carpet was old and literally dogged. The pocket doors were still in, as were many other original details. Pictures of family were everywhere. So this was a grandma house with grandma in it - hope she stays there another 100 years.

It seems her granddaughter confirmed the package was hers, and grandma hung up on her fast. She thanked me and here I am writing about it. It's just, I talk about grandma houses, and this was it with her in it. Also, the anti-gentrification rants about af-amer families? Well this was one.

No point or anything - I used to write about little experiences like this. I didn't even mention the guy in the gym who smelled like mildewed cheese...
vicarz: (Default)
2017-04-24 05:48 am
Entry tags:

(no subject)

Video of the basement Sun
https://www.youtube.com/edit?o=U&video_id=gg3VGDY-yGM
About 5 mins. Not particularly exciting.
vicarz: (Pikacutie!)
2017-04-23 09:48 am
Entry tags:

(no subject)

First house post in dreamywidth. Last night the latino apt building across the way had another party in the backyard complete with sound system and tent. This time they didn't wrap up until after 1am. The kids were playing futbol in the alley at least until midnight. It was adorbs. Also, it happened. Either nobody called the cops, nobody minded, or the cops didn't care? I could be mad but instead this makes me happy. I may not have been invited but I was happy to be nearby or part of the hood that made it possible.

Friday I was nervous because by my early lunch hour of 11, there was no sign of a HVAC guy. I knew he had cashed my check because the bank called me
* I thought the guy was black, and was worried that they called me because he looked stereo-typically suspicious. However, it was odd to cash a check at my bank in this day and age, and I think the bank-caller was black. However the guys (2) who showed up were white.
However he did show up and Jordan texted he'd be there after to install drywall to mount wall units.

I checked it out with V yesterday, and indeed - a full HVAC system was installed in the basement. I'm no expert, but there are wall units near the ceiling of the liv/din/kit room thingy and the bedroom, with visible insulated lines going to a (condensor?) in the back yard perfectly beside the window well under the porch. Each wall unit has drain lines sloped slightly down to new holes in the front and back wall.

So inspections are allegedly scheduled for Mon and Tues. If HVAC passes, I think it's just framing and then wall-in shortly thereafter. Elec passed on the basement (though the guy put it on "whole house") and plumbing was done for whole house (and seems to be ok / standing).

I think I'm getting communications when the contractor feels like it, but with this movement I"m not really worried about it.

Also, V is starting to like the place (downside, she is annoyed by my never finished and rarely touched clutter - I need to work on it but I'm busy leveling my euro-diablo characters in season 10) (!). But me...it's becoming home. The condo - I can reach out when I stand in it and think of all the memories I have there, like I did in the old one.
That's. A lot. Of Sex. (we all measure life in different ways)
But this place is feeling like home. I mean really home, and really really feel like home.
vicarz: (Wild Buttercup)
2017-04-23 09:44 am

(no subject)

Reading names on bridges or in a graveyard makes me ponder mortality. The people and things I care about will vanish - many before I do, most soon after. The best possible success is getting your name on a rock...but the name says nothing about me as I think of myself. It sounds sad, but it's also kind of a relief. If nothing I do matters, then I may as well drink and play games.
Afterthought: writing can impact for generations.

Reality? I was in the graveyard to catch pokemon. I mean V wanted to go and I went, but I was totally hoping for more magickarp.

This line of thought bothers me. I see multi-generational family success as next to impossible but a laudable goal. Who doesn't want their blend of human soup to keep going? How many times can you achieve things, enjoy things, before it doesn't matter? How many hours of television do you watch after you find out you have 6 months to live? How many before that? Why do you feel socially connected when you experience a recorded story? How disconnected am I when I watch and know so many mainstream cultural guideposts?

Don't mistake this post for angst. I really like the nothing matters idea. Things may be going to hell, or getting better slowly with nasty pendulating rhythm, but I feel obligated to do good things. If nothing matters, I can watch tv from my couch or write this post.
vicarz: (Default)
2017-04-20 10:54 am

Eljay imported

Wow - DW just imported my entire eljay in like no time flat!
vicarz: (Default)
2017-04-17 02:04 pm

A flash of lightning

Whoops, just found the messages/ads from friends - sorry!

I also found my messages from DW staff, noting russian lgbt groups, issues (literally death), and ways to support & help. While doing all that, they focused on the positive and were not trashing the eljay. Impressed I am.

Writing - later! In theory.
vicarz: (DL)
2017-04-17 02:02 pm

(no subject)

I'm in at vicarz in the width of dreamy place
vicarz: (Riddle me this)
2017-04-12 05:01 pm
Entry tags:

(no subject)

Did I mention the russian mafia gave me another 6 months free?

Major house dev'ts:
Contractor showed up unannounced as if nothing had happened. He said an inspection was scheduled for 11-1. I bitched him out for not responding, how it was impacting me / life, etc. He explained the guy who showed up "is an asshole," and explained of course he had a groundwork inspection! The guy wouldn't sign off on the other one / rough-in if he didn't. In fact even if he hadn't, the 2 (mini-manholes) give access for inspection, scopes, snaking, and even turn so you can block the system and do pressure tests.

He also explained the previous inspections were for the whole house, but then at the electrical stage they made him split them. So as of now there are 2 inspection cards - 1 for the house, the other just for the basement. The DC inspector showed up, and I listened in - the story panned out, and the DC inspector said he would elevate the matter to someone who coordinates all inspection so they can address the multiple inspection statuses and cards etc.

Today he called and texted me at work - electrical inspection passed! However they said he needs permits for the hvac. He asked if I could pay the hvac guy directly (something I had offered previously) and said yes - but didn't I already pay for this? He said yes but he didn't have the money (hey, he said it) but he'd take it off the final bill. I'm not sure there is a final bill, but things are moving.

HVAC is scheduled for 4/21, and inspections again 4/24 (hvac?) and 4/25 (framing?).

This is inches away from the finish line, he said famouslastwords.
vicarz: (Year of me)
2017-04-11 08:40 am

Archived

So far as I can tell the old / original ljarchive still works. Mine was from 2012 I think.

The website linked from my "about/help" section was this:
ljArchive at sourceforget.net
Not much to see here yet. The sourceforge project page is at http://sourceforge.net/projects/ljarchive/ and the original developer's site is at http://www.fawx.com/ljArchive/.

The latest release is 0.9.5, released on July 27th, 2005.
vicarz: (Year of me)
2017-04-08 07:43 am
Entry tags:

The level of failure

I've mostly avoided talking legal real stuff here (anywhere).

I was working from home Friday when an inspector showed up, again, with no warning from the contractor. I had just emailed him that due to his lack of communication and the fact this new finish date of Nov 2016 wasn't met here in Apr 2017 I wanted my other guy at every inspection. I texted him and he first said to turn him away, then claimed he was stuck in traffic.

I let the inspector in and he was shaking his head about this guy, openly wondering why he would schedule inspections and waste everyone's time. But my time wasn't wasted - he gave me info.

First, I should mention I talked to a lawyer, and based on that conversation I went downtown and pulled all the permits and inspection-info of record. Sadly the helpful DC employee giving me the inspection info, rather than printing reports, took my permits and hand wrote the info on each. Still, at least I have it.

I also have a pending bid on the work by another contractor, who rather than just glancing it over and giving me a ballpark pre-formal bid figure, came over after doing a permit/drawing check with 3 tradesmen.

Between the tradesmen comments, my guy listening, and the dc inspector, the following are potential issues right now, not-exhaustive nor in a particular order:
1. No proof of inspection of "groundwork" before putting in slab. The slab was approved, but they might have put it in without inspecting the (sewage pipes out of the house and related vents). The inspector said he'd call me back on that, didn't.
2. No fire studs every 10' (something about reaching to wall, makes no sense to me)
3. Can't inspect with can lights and insulation in.
4. Plumbing rough in not even done. In fact, the fact he's scheduling inspections is insane - to do plumbing inspections, they first cap the ends and turn the water on, duh, as a pressure test. NONE of the pipes are capped.
5. The plumbing isn't remotely done. We have a sink drain - but where the hell are the hot and cold feeds? Where does the hot water go?
6. The hot water in my house may be mixed with radiator water. I was told this specfiically was not the case, that my "combo unit" kept everything separate AND covered 2 heating zones (for radiators and radiant heat). The plumber thought it looked like it was a 1-use-only unit, and we sent him the spec sheet I was provided - he reconfirmed. This would match the fact my hot water tastes AWFUL after 6 mos.
Said another way, my water is mixed potable and nonpotable water (cough, maybe).
7. No final inspection was done on the top floor. Granted there are known items pending (no railing, wires hanging from the master bath as no vanity light is installed) but...why didn't he do that first before I moved in?
In short, there are substantial documented indications of serious not-to-code stuffs.

Keep in mind I moved in. What if they won't do a final inspection with my stuff "in the way?" What if they condemn the place - say because they can't verify sewage isn't going into the yard to their satisfaction - and condemn my place as inhabitable?

His contractor license - expires the end of this month. I'm considering lodging a formal complaint before that happens (not expecting miracles).
Placeholder - other info about his business, rumor.

I plan to talk to the lawyer again soon (missed her Friday, calling after the failed "inspection" visit). I texted and emailed contractor guy to yet another no response. The real question for legal, now, is "Can I potentially/likely recover from a DC LLC, when a) the llc likely has no assets, b) the insurance in place in 2014 may have lapsed but a breach might be from 2014 when 120 days was not met, c) he likely mixed funds (i.e. materials I paid for were not purchased the money likely spent personally and/or on other jobs), d) his only likely personal asset - if the veil were pierced - can it be recovery for me, or can he just fold his company and/or declare bankruptcy and I just pay for a lawyer to win an empty declaration that I won with more financial loss?

Still pending is how much it will cost to have someone else finish this job.

How am I a lawyer and ignorant enough to have fuddled up my life savings?
vicarz: (Year of me)
2017-04-04 10:05 am

Time to go

In fb a friend noted this, I also shared it:
https://onepostwonder.com/users/boutell/2017/04/03/holy-christ-get-off-livejournal

When I logged onto this thing, it required me to click ok on the not-binding translation privacy changes.

My interest waned long after everyone left, and I have some good memories and can't let go easily...but sadly it's time to go. I may or may not do wordpress or (I forgot the other place everyone went).

I'm in facebook as "Jose Vicar," living in Washington DC I think. I'm pretty add-friendly so feel free to link with me there.

Even if I'm lazy I'll miss this level of literacy, but I just can't take the rzn hacker server jailing dissidents issues. My pay-time is coming up and it's not something I feel good about.
vicarz: (Year of me)
2017-03-31 05:51 am
Entry tags:

Meh

House:
have started preparing for litigation. For a brief period it looked like this guy was ripping me off, for undisclosed reasons and because the elec permit (with the date/year cut off) didn't appear to match our current permit number. Now, the known building permit expires 4/4. He claims he has to get re-issued original drawings from DCRA...but why? Nobody would lose the originals - he has all the inspection records and permits. He also barely responded to email/calls/texts since January (1) and hasn't done a lick of work.

Then we found the electrical permit and he said there were inspections scheduled. Then the inspections were cancelled, though an inspector did show up and hint strongly there were real problems and nobody would pass the inspection. That sadly would fit the contractor's story that an inspector had said they had to tear everything out (all the framing, plumbing rough-in, elec rough-in).

I've asked another contractor to bid and started looking at the statute of limitations on the contract (with the question, when does the alleged breach claim take place in a 3 year project that was supposed to take 120 days in May of 2014?) I still hope to avoid litigation but there are many indications this guy and/or company may not ... finish. At least I know switching contractors mid-stream is possible and not all that unheard of - it does not seem to mean there is a chance I would be banned from my house or have the drywall ripped out to re-inspect behind them.

DCRA is a morass. You try getting information from them. The contractor complaint that they give different results for the same inspections seems legitimate.

Besides all the rent I lost on 2 places, the ongoing stress of this mess has worn me down.

Gym:
I felt good about a 345 squat a short while ago, until I uploaded a video to check my form and noticed it was next to a 2-year-old video of me doing 315 for 3. Sure I had setbacks and the nerve nonsense never was sourced, fixed, or remedied...but over time I'm finally struggling back. I think I need to form check all my lifts.

I post politics in fb. Should I be more scared or ashamed of this country?

Haven't moved out of fb yet but my pay-deadline is up soon and I don't want to support this anymore. Obviously I don't write like I used to and the reports of jailed russian dissidents with the email releases and state hacking? Plus...
Well I still miss this place. I miss the community of my friends and the rare meeting someone outside my immediate circle. But this place posted listservs for me and myspace for others. Nostalgia is fine but what is lingering?
vicarz: (Year of me)
2017-03-17 08:13 am

(no subject)

Today I'm taking a day for me. I've had coffee I "don't need."
I have...stupid amounts of work to do. I have a list of chores.
I also intend to play video games and make cookies. The cookies are optional.
vicarz: (Year of me)
2017-02-19 08:12 am

Better at writing than reading

I skipped going out last night; didn't even have my alone beer. I was exhausted though other than the gym I can't understand why.

I cued up pandora for the first time in months and it's playing all my thumbed up fairy princess songs. I looked at the station list and it still has santori/suntory time (sp?). That was the station / mix Kris and Casey had/made. And I miss her and I miss him.

I miss...that.

But it wasn't perfect even then. I couldn't ignore the arguments for long. Some of the things they said weren't true. She would take off in lala land. He...I could never get over the fact he didn't work for 10, 15 years? It might seem sexist as he 'was the man,' but she worked the whole time they were together and he...I think he wrote erotica for cash for a bit, but never knew of him being solvent except by her and their renting room situation.

When we kissed, and were allowed to kiss, I couldn't get over the fact it was us after "all this time." I always found her attractive, but it was never a possibility. Then it was. Then it couldn't be, as I realized I couldn't do it without hurting her, and I didn't think we were material for what she wanted. Don't tell me you love me, and don't tell me afterwards you don't mean it.

It makes me not trust feelings. They had feelings, but their life choices don't seem to legitimize the arguments. An unemployed anarchist? Never trust anyone when all their arguments support what they wanted to do in the first place (or not do). I am so emo, I hear music and disappear into dreams...but my brain reminds me, over and over, of where dreams led.

At least I'm logical enough to enjoy the dreams and not try to fight them.

How crazy it this:
I'm in love. Happy, comfortable, love. I love Veronica. But some part of me misses wishing for love. I think that's why I always ran, always broke up or let it end. Why I tried to find pre-existing perfection -
I was attached to the idea of finding something rather than making it.
Or perhaps some part of me likes the chase.

What was that movie line: If you believe in love at first sight you'll never stop looking?