Feb. 19th, 2017

vicarz: (Year of me)
I skipped going out last night; didn't even have my alone beer. I was exhausted though other than the gym I can't understand why.

I cued up pandora for the first time in months and it's playing all my thumbed up fairy princess songs. I looked at the station list and it still has santori/suntory time (sp?). That was the station / mix Kris and Casey had/made. And I miss her and I miss him.

I miss...that.

But it wasn't perfect even then. I couldn't ignore the arguments for long. Some of the things they said weren't true. She would take off in lala land. He...I could never get over the fact he didn't work for 10, 15 years? It might seem sexist as he 'was the man,' but she worked the whole time they were together and he...I think he wrote erotica for cash for a bit, but never knew of him being solvent except by her and their renting room situation.

When we kissed, and were allowed to kiss, I couldn't get over the fact it was us after "all this time." I always found her attractive, but it was never a possibility. Then it was. Then it couldn't be, as I realized I couldn't do it without hurting her, and I didn't think we were material for what she wanted. Don't tell me you love me, and don't tell me afterwards you don't mean it.

It makes me not trust feelings. They had feelings, but their life choices don't seem to legitimize the arguments. An unemployed anarchist? Never trust anyone when all their arguments support what they wanted to do in the first place (or not do). I am so emo, I hear music and disappear into dreams...but my brain reminds me, over and over, of where dreams led.

At least I'm logical enough to enjoy the dreams and not try to fight them.

How crazy it this:
I'm in love. Happy, comfortable, love. I love Veronica. But some part of me misses wishing for love. I think that's why I always ran, always broke up or let it end. Why I tried to find pre-existing perfection -
I was attached to the idea of finding something rather than making it.
Or perhaps some part of me likes the chase.

What was that movie line: If you believe in love at first sight you'll never stop looking?

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vicarz

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