Jan. 3rd, 2017

vicarz: (Year of me)
When I was drinking and smoking pot at 13-15 or so, I remember sitting on car hoods outside 7-11 by Gaithersburg High School when "Cammy," a curly blonde we all thought was smokin' hot in the day, was startled by a yellow jacket - without thinking she jammed her middle finger between her and the bee. As the bee flew nearby, she held her defensive middle-finger between her and the bee as it flew nearby.
Ever since that day I've always blasted my middle finger in response to fear - defending myself against threats to which I cannot reasonably actually defend.
JbDubbs did this "fuck 'em all" video
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s3-YeY__E_g
which I still love. However, thanks to JbDubs I sometimes now burst into rebellious dance - plopping my stomps rudely like some variety of these (2:30-2:55) bouncing my opposing middle fingers up and down. It helps knowing the people acting so silly are members of a professional ballet troupe.
I may not win but I'm ready for 2017. Fuck 'em all and tell 'em.
vicarz: (Punk hump)
Listening to old tunes I'm feeling that lovely empowered after oppression feeling, remembering, and enjoying my new bizarre status as mannish n'shit.

But then I listen to a misplaced song, one where I didn't understand the lyrics and it took on a different meaning to me. I felt miserable, but ...
as I've done too many times before
taunted myself with what I thought I wanted, needed,

And I made the break. And I feel better, much, and things and my life are good.

But I hurt someone to do it.

So when I listen to this song that reminds me of the pain I once felt,
what I feel is guilt.
Yet I move on.

I don't know what's right.

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vicarz

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